Static Cling and Other Things
by Sarah23
Summary: Poor Seifer isn't having a very good day. Read to find out why. R&R *Complete*
1. Seifer's bad day

Title: Static Cling  
Started: 11/29/02  
Disclaimer: I own nothing in the story  
  
  
  
A/N: In this story Seifer and Quistis are... seeing each other. Seifer thinks that know one knows about it, although most likely they do.  
Words in ( ) means that Seifer is thinking.  
  
  
  
Our story begins as Seifer is waking up. It is around 8:00 in the morning and he had just spent a rather... enjoyable evening with Instructor Quistis Trepe. Boy she really knew how to use that whip well. Must be all that practice against the T-Rexaurs in the Training Center. He was due to attend a meeting with the Headmaster Cid soon so Seifer quickly got dressed and headed for the elevator. Little did he know what today had in store for him.  
  
He was casually walking along not really paying attention to anything, but during his whole walk to the elevator he kept hearing giggles.  
  
Seifer: (Well well. It appears that I seem to be very popular with the ladies today. Must be that new cologne I've been using "Ew de toillette water". That will show Rinoa. How dare she dump me for a guy who's probably still wet behind the ears. And my Gunblade is bigger too).  
  
*Seifer finally manages to reach the elevator. Squall is already in it waiting to go up since he is also attending the meeting*  
  
Squall: *Smirking* Glad you're able to make it.  
  
Seifer: Of course. You know that the meeting can't really start until I get there.  
  
Squall: Well it could, but Headmaster Cid said that that wouldn't be very nice.  
  
*They arrive at the 3rd floor. Seifer gets off first while Squall follows behind him*  
  
Squall: *Right before they go through the door to Cid's office* Oh, and Seifer. Pink really isn't your color. *Starts laughing*  
  
Seifer: *Doesn't know what the hell he's talking about* Well I don't think pink is your color either loser. *Walks throug the door*  
  
*Cid's office. Now Seifer, Squall, Rinoa, Zell, and Irvine are there along with Cid. Quistis is still in a class teaching*  
  
Cid: I'm glad that you all could make it. I have orders from Dollet. You are to go there and clean up the beach because apparently the X-ATM092 has fallen off a cliff and is polluting the waters. Further more you... *Cid suddenly stops because every one but Seifer is snickering*  
  
Seifer: What is going on here!? ( That cologne isn't that bad, is it?  
  
Cid: Would someone kindly explain just what is so funny?  
  
Zell: One word: Seifer.  
  
Seifer: What's that suppose to mean Chicken-Wuss?  
  
Irvine: Way to go cowboy. *Tips his hat at Seifer*  
  
Squall: See Rinoa. Now aren't you glad you're with me instead of this weirdo?  
  
Rinoa: Of course. I know you would never go and do something this stupid.  
  
Seifer: That's it. I'm getting the hell out of here. *Walks away to the sound of everyone laughing at him, even Cid.  
  
*In the elevator*  
  
Seifer: (What the hell is wrong with these people? I'm clean, I don't smell bad, and my Gunblade is polished. Maybe I should go with "Cactuar de Armadodo" cologne instead?)  
  
*The elevator has now reached the 1st floor*  
  
Seifer: (Oh well. Maybe a nap will help me.) *Starts to head towards his dorm room, all the while noticing that people are still snickering*  
  
*Seifer's dorm room*  
  
Seifer: If I had known that today would be so crappy I would have stayed in bed.  
  
*Suddenly there is a knock at the door*  
  
Seifer: Oh great. Now who the hell could it be?  
  
*Opens the door to find a slightly annoyed Quistis standing there*  
  
Seifer: What? Have you come to laugh at me too?  
  
Quistis: Laugh at you? I just want to know where my special underwear is?  
  
Seifer: Oh, you mean the pink, frilly, lacy ones with the gold stars?  
  
Quisits: *Sigh* Yes Seifer those would be the ones.  
  
Seifer: Well come on inside and look for them. *Turns to walk back inside and let Quisits enter the room*  
  
Quistis: *Snicker* That's ok. I don't need to since I already found them. *Snicker, snort*  
  
Seifer: *Turns around and faces her* Really? Where were they?  
  
Quistis: They were right here. *Reaches behind Seifer and pulls them off his back*  
  
*Poor Seifer is speechless*  
  
Quistis: *Snicker* I guess I shouldn't use those dryer sheets when I do my laundry. *Walks out and closes the door leaving a still stunned Seifer just standing there with his mouth gaping open*  
  
*Two hours later an ear splitting sound ripped through the whole Balamb Garden*  
  
Seifer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *Puff, puff, wheeze, huff, pant. Takes another breath and continues* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  
  
  
  
  
END  
  
  
Stupid? Yes! Short? Yes! Review? Yes! 


	2. Seifer starts his revenge

Title: Static Cling  
Started: 11/29/02  
Disclaimer: I own nothing in the story  
  
  
Chapter 2: Seifer starts his revenge  
  
AN: I was slightly bored so I figured I'd see about other chapters where Seifer gets his revenge. Seifer's a little... sore about what happened in the last story. I'll try not to bash any character... too hard. :)  
  
Words in ( ) are thoughts.  
  
  
  
  
The Final Fantasy 8 crew had managed to clean up the Dollet beach from the mess that X-ATM092 had made. So much for the "Black Widow" when all it took to smash it was for it to fall of a cliff. It still had been quite a bit of work so the team decided to get a little R&R. Seifer didn't need it though since he refused to go on the clean-up mission  
because of the last "little" incident. Seifer figured that it was the perfect time to start planning his revenge, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *cough*  
  
Seifer: (Now everyone will be resting and I can begin to exact my revenge) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*Unfortunately Irvine was in the room since he was currently sharing a dorm room with Seifer*  
  
Irvine: Have you been taking Selphie's Pixie Stix Seifer?  
  
Seifer: Of course not. You know I prefer Sour Gummi Worms, er, um, I ment to say, why the hell are you asking me that you loser?  
  
Irvine: Riiiiiigggghhhhtttt. *Leaves the room and goes off to find Selphie. What for you ask? Why, for some Pixie Stix of course*  
  
Seifer: Alright! Now that the wannabe cowboy has mosied on to somewhere else I can go find my first victim.  
  
*Seifer goes out of his dorm and starts stalking the hallways*  
  
Seifer: *Stops and starts to tap his chin* Hmmmmmmmm. I think my first victim will beeeeeeeeeeee *dramatic pause and music* "Quistis Trepe" *Dum Dum Dummmmm*  
  
*Seifer heads to Quistis' dorm room. No one is home and the door is locked. Luckily Seifer had his trusty "Gold Hairpin" with him and managed to open the door*  
  
Seifer: *Snickers to himself* Ha. Locke would be so proud of me. Now, let us see what our dear Instructor has. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *Quickly looks around to make sure no one heard his maniacal laughter*  
  
*Seifer starts to wander around the room looking for anything interesting. Suddenly he spots a rather familiar pair of undies*  
  
Seifer: Woohoo. It's her "Special Underwear", what luck. Junctioning all that "Pain" Magic really helped. Maybe I can find more to add to this.   
  
*Seifer spends about another 15 minutes searching the room. His "Luck" really must have been high because along with Quistis' "Special Underwear" he managed to find:  
A Blue G-String with Silver thread, a hot Pink Thong with a little bow on the front, a Purple pair of granny-panties, a Red, lacy, bikini-cut underwear, fuzzy Leopard print underwear, Orange and Gold striped underwear, a *gasp* normal pair of Grey underwear, and last, but not least, a slightly see-thru pair of White underwear with little Pink hearts*   
  
Seifer: *Pretends to be talking into a walkie talkie* I got the goods, over and out. *Now pretends to slink out of the dorm room even though there is absolutely No One in the hall. They're probably all in the Cafeteria trying to get Hotdogs*  
  
Seifer: *Stops and starts to tap his chin again* Now that I have the "Quisty Undies" where shall I put them? Hmmmmm. I know *Snaps his finger and a bright light appears above his head* Damn kids. They should know by now not to cast there "Thundaga" Magic in the halls. Oh well. Now off toooooo *dramatic pause and music* "The Secret Area" *Dum Dum Dummmmm*  
  
*In the Secret Place in the back of the Training Center*  
  
Seifer: It's done! It's done! *Actually jumps up and taps his feet together* Now Quistis shall feel my wrath. MWAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*Seifer heads back to his room for a little R&R, satisfied for another job well done. A scream awakens him a few hours later as well as a tremendous shriek of rage. I'll give you three gueses as to who it is. :)*  
  
Quistis: *Turning red from lack of oxygen* DAMMIT I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, RIGHT NOW!!!!!!  
  
*Quistis is surrounded by the Trepies who are all gawking at underwear that happens to be "casually" draped around the Secret Area. Even the female Trepies are staring at the underwear, which is rather disturbing*  
  
Quistis: *Is now a rather bright shade of purple* WHO DID THIS? WHO? I WANT NAMES NOW. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU TREPIES DOING? GET AWAY FROM MY UNDERWEAR THIS INSTANT. WHAT? LOOK, I DON'T REALLY GIVE A FLYING BAHAMUT IF YOU HAVE UNDERWEAR LIKE ME. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF YOU WORTHLESS EXCUSE FOR A MALE. SHIT. EVEN ALMASY IS MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU ARE!!!!!  
  
*Quistis is still shouting out strange profanities while, unknown to her, a smirking Seifer is lurking in the bushes*  
  
  
END  
  
  
Stupid? Yes! Short? Yes! Review? Yes!  
  
  
AN: I wasn't planning on continuing this. Seifer's "Static Cling" problem was supposed to be one of those one-shot fics but someone said something about a sequel (I believe the honor goes to Satanic-Purple-Onion) so I thought: "What the hell?" I just felt like typing and this fit right in. However, I'm not really doing this for my health so if you guys want me to continue please R&R. I don't need a ton of Reviews. Just a few since I'm sure I can think up some more ways to tort... er, have "Fun" with the Final Fantasy 8 gang. :) 


	3. You're Next Cowboy

Title: Static Cling and Other Things  
Started: 11/29/02  
Disclaimer: I own nothing in the story  
  
  
Chapter 3: You're next Cowboy  
  
  
  
Since almost everyone was in the Secret Area of the Training Seifer figured that now would be a good time to start his next revenge, so he headed back to the dorm room that he shared with Irvine.  
  
Seifer: (This is great. With tha Cowboy wannabe trying to get a glimpse at Instructor Trepe's... personals, this will be my chance to get him) MWAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*Seifer was just simply stared at by the few students that were walking around. They all figured that he had been working a little too hard*  
  
*Seifer and Irvine's dorm room*  
  
Seifer: That pathetic fool. He doesn't think I know about his *dramatic pause and music* "Porn Collection" *Dum Dum Dummmmm*  
  
*And Seifer, being true to his word (for once), managed to find about 30 or so of Irvine's "educational magazines" (well that's how Irvine described them anyway).  
  
Seifer: Ugh, what the hell is up with that loser? He must be trading with Zone's or something. Either that or the "Girl Next Door" company is going out of business.  
  
*Seifer continued to ponder this all the way to the Library because all of the magazines were the "Hick Next Door", or "I Wanna Hold Your Gun"* O-O()  
  
Seifer: *Walks through the Library door* Good, no one else is in here. Now I continue on with my plan. MWAHAHAHAHA. *Seifer goes into the back of the Library and sits down at the table. (Seifer's laughing is probably the reason why people are stearing clear of him)  
  
*The reason why Seifer chose the library was simple. He remembered Squall telling him once how he found an unusual magazine. Seifer figured that well if Squall could do it then so can he*  
  
*A few hours later. Apparantly Seifer was in luck because he managed to complete part of his objective. Now all he needed to do was go to Miss Pixie Stix's room*  
  
*Outside Miss Pixie Stix's room*  
  
Seifer: *Knocks on the door and yells in an overly cheerful voice* Ohhhhh Selphiieeee. I want to tallllkkk to you. Can I come in?  
  
Selphie: *Opens the door* Hi hi hi hi hi. How are you doing Seifer? I'm fine. Isn't it a nice day? Or it it night? It's so hot today. It rocks! Or is it cold today? Here. Go buy yourself a juice or something. *Kaching* *For some strange reason Selphie hands Seifer 50 Gil*  
  
Seifer: That's real, real, real, real, real, real nice Sephie Poo but what I'd reallllly like would be one of your Maaaagical Pixie Stix. How about it?  
  
Selphie: Ohhhhhh. One of my Maaaagical Pixie Stix.  
  
Seifer: Yeah. one of your Maaaagical Pixie Stix.  
  
Selphie: Sorry Seifie Poo, but my Maaaagical Pixie Stix are only for Irvy Kinny Poo. How about a regular, not so magical, one though?  
  
Seifer: Realllly. Ok Sephie Poo.  
  
*Selphie goes to get some regular Pixie Stix for Seifie Poo. While Selphie had her back towards Seifer he manged to slip the, er, educational magazines, into a place where Selphie would find them*  
  
Selphie: Ahhhhh, I found them Seifie Poo. Here is your, not so magical, Pixie Stix.  
  
Seifer: Oh thank yoooouuu Sephie Poo. I will always treasure this. Wheeeee.  
  
*With that Seifie Poo happily, er, skipped out of Sephie Poo's room*  
  
Selphie: *Yells out the door really loudly* COME BACK AGAIN SEIFIE POO. MAYBE IF YOU'RE LUCKY NEXT TIME YOU CAN HAVE MY MAAAAGICAL PIXIE STIX!!!!!!  
  
*So much for Seifer trying to sneak away*  
  
Seifer: (Oh well. At least the mission was a success) MWAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*By now everyone is either staying out of Seifer's way, or there's a poll going as to what he's on. Seifer figured that is wasn't safe to go back to the room just yet so he decided to head to the Cafeteria*  
  
*In the Cafeteria. Seifer is sitting at a table near a couple of love-struck Trepies. While eating one of the, not so magical, Pixie Stix Seifer kicked back and waited for the "fun" to begin. He didn't have to wait long before a pissed as hell Selphie came in, followed by a whimpering Irvine*  
  
Selphie: I don't want to hear it Irvy Kinny Poo. You could have told me at the beginning.  
  
Irvine: But, but, but, but Sephie. I really don't know how this happened.  
  
Selphie: Oh really now. I go out of my way to give you my magical Pixie Stix only to find out that you really like guys.  
  
Irvine: Have you not been getting enough sugar Selphie? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.  
  
Selphie: Oh, don't you? Then how do you explain THIS? *Dum Dum Dummmm* *Selphie holds up one of Irvine's "Hick Next Door" magazines where all the faces of the girl models have been replaced with *gasp* guys faces.  
  
Irvine: *Looks about ready to pass out* WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP? I DON'T LIKE GUYS AND THOSE AREN'T EVEN MY PORN MAGAZINES, THEY'RE MY GUN MAGAZINES. WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK ONE OF THEM IS CALLED "I WANNA HOLD YOUR GUN"?  
HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN THOSE CAR MAGAZINES THAT HAVE THE FEMALE MODELS?  
  
Selphie: *As red as a Licorice* WAIT JUST A GOSH DARN MINUTE. I CAN EXCUSE THESE AS BEING GUN MAGAZINES, CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT ALL THE MODELS ARE WEARING SWIM SUITS. BUT WHAT, IRVY KINNY POO, DID YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAID "THOSE AREN'T MY PORN MAGAZINES"!?  
  
Irvine: *Is pretty much scared shitless* Uhhhhh. Idon'tknowwhat you'retalkingaboutSelphiePoo.DidIsaythosearen'tmypornmagazines?It'struebecauseIgotridofallthosebaddirtymagazines.Itwon'thappenagain,promise.Uhh,gottagoSephie. *Runs out of the Cafeteria as if his life depended on it. Either that or his prized hat and gun collection*  
  
Selphie: *Looks like a volcanoe right about now* COME BACK HERE IRVINE CAUSE I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET. ME AND MY NUNCHAKU NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE ONE-ON-ONE WITH YOU. IN THE TRAINING CENTER. *Goes running after Irvine*  
  
Seifer: (That was even better than I could have hoped for. I was wondering while all those models were dressed though. Oh well. Now I can move onto that sugar loving freak and I think I know just the way to do it too). MWAHAHAHAHAHA. *Is oblivious to the fact that everyone has moved away from him and the Cafeteria is now completely empty, except for a tumbleweed that rolls by from out of the middle of nowhere*  
  
Seifer: *Stares at the tumbleweed* Hmm. I guess Angelo must be shedding now. Oh well. *Gets up and walks out of the Cafeteria while thinking of what to do to his next victim*  
  
  
  
END  
  
  
Short? Yes! Stupid? Yes! Review? Yes! 


	4. The Anti Pixie Stix Movement

Title: Static Cling and Other Things  
Started: 11/29/02  
Disclaimer: I own nothing in the story  
  
  
  
Chapter 4: The Anti-Pixie Stix Movement  
  
  
  
By now pretty much everyone is in the Training Center watching a pissed as hell Selphie go up against a scared as can be Irvine. Seifer decided to wait until they were done to go and talk to Selphie. He knew he could sneak out of the dorm since Irvine would be out like a light.  
  
  
*Three hours later a bloody and bruised Irvine crawled through the door and went straight to his bed. He never even aknowleded the fact that Seifer was even present at the moment*  
  
Seifer: (Now's my chance to go talk to Miss Pixie Stix herself). MWAHAHAHAHAHA. *Wow. Irvine must be really beat because he didn't even stir when Seifer laughed, or when he got up and walked out the door*  
  
*In front of Selphie's room*  
  
Seifer: *Knocks on the door* Hey Selphie can I talk to you for a few minutes?  
  
Selphie: *Opens the door* Hiiii Seifer. Sure you can. Come on in and make yourself comfertable.  
  
Seifer: Thank you Selphie. *Goes in and sits down in a chair*  
  
Selphie: Did you come for more Pixie Stix? Since I'm still a little mad at Irvy Kinny Poo I might even let you have one of my Magaaagical Pixie Stix.  
  
Seifer: *In a serious tone of voice* No Selphie. I'm not here for Pixie Stix. I'm afraid I have some rather disturbing news.  
  
Selphie: Oh gosh golly gee whiz. It can't be that bad, can it?  
  
Seifer: I'm sorry to have to tell you this *sniff* but I just found out that *sob* Pixie Stix are hazardous to a Chocobo's health. Chocobo fans around the world have started and Anti-Pixie Stix movement. Chocoboy was the first to start this.  
  
Selphie: Oh noooooooooo, the poor Chocoboooooos. *Wahhhhhh*  
  
Seifer: It's ok Selphie. *Sits next to her on the couch and pats her shoulder*  
  
Selphie: I had no idea that this was happppppppening. What ever shall I do?  
  
Seifer: This may sound harsh, but I think you should start a protest as well. You could conduct it right out near the entrance of Balamb Garden.  
  
Selphie: Reallllllly?  
  
Seifer: Yes. Just think of all the *sniff* Chicobo's that will be able to actually grow up, since Pixie Stix can stunt your growth.   
  
Selphie: *sniffle* Poor little baby Chicobos. Selphie Poo will help you. *Goes running out of the room, only she misses the door and hits the wall. Backs up and tries again, this time actually making it through the door*  
  
Seifer: *Grinning* (You really out did yourself Seifer old chap. That was easier than I thought it would be. Selphie's such a gullable fool. I just can't wait to see what she does). MWAHAHAHAHAHA. *Gleefuly claps his hands together like a little school girl and then gets up and leaves the room*  
  
*Meanwhile, down the hall*  
  
Selphie: *Turns her head towards where Seifer was just laughing* Poor, poor Seifer. I can hear him crying all the way down here. *Keeps running and manages to run into a pole* (AN: Not that it hurt her any mind you). :)  
  
*Several hours later, at 6:00 in the morning, a fog horn is heard through out the Balamb Garden halls*  
  
*In Cid's Office* (AN: Well where did you think he slept?) :)  
  
Cid: WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THAT RACKET? I THOUGHT I TOLD THE JUNIOR CLASSMEN THAT IF THEY WANTED TO HAVE A PARTY THAT IS WHAT TO BE AT NIGHT, NOT IN THE FRICKIN' MORNING. GOD DAMN, THE SUN ISN'T EVEN UP YET!!! *Cid, now determined to find out what is going on, rushes to the elevator and heads down. At the first floor he gets off and follows the steady stream of students who are also wanting to find out what is going on*  
  
*Outside at the entrance. Despite being rather out of shape Cid manages to be one of the first ones there*  
  
Cid: What the... Selphie? What the hell are you doing? Wait, forget that. What the hell are you wearing?  
  
*Everyone was just as surprised as Cid for Selphie was not only holding a fog horn, but had somehow managed to find a Chocobo costume. To top it off she had a sign around her neck that said: "Down with Pixie Stix"*  
  
Selphie: Well I'm sure you can see for yourself Cid. And besides, I wouldn't be one to criticize what others are wearing if I were you.  
  
*Alas it was true, for in Cid's zeal to find out what was going on, he had managed to forget to change out of his Chocobo Suit*  
  
Cid: Er, never mind that. For now just tell us what you're doing.  
  
Selphie: *Rather calm* Of course Mr.Kramer. It has recently been brought to my attention that Pixie Stix, the cursed substance that it is, has been the cause of Chicobo growth stunt. Therefore I am hereby banning the bying, selling, and inhaling of Pixie Stix. I'm sorry if you object, but if there are any problems you can face me and my Nunchaku. Any problems?  
  
*Several of the students glance at each other while the rest just shake there head. None of them want to end up like Irvine did. Besides. Selphie was the only one that ever really liked those things. It would be weird seeing her not hyper though. Oh well.*  
  
*Meanwhile, back in Seifer and Irvine's room*  
  
Seifer: (Now don't think I'm done just yet Selphie.*Snicker*) *Walks over to where Irvine is still passed out and gently shakes him*  
  
*Irvine must really be tired because he didn't even move one bit*  
  
Seifer: (Hmmm, that didn't work. maybe this will?) *Yells as loud as he can* HEY IRVINE. ALL OF THE FEMALE RESIDENTS HAVE DECIDED TO HAVE A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST AND THEY WANT YOU TO BE THE JUDGE! SOME OF THE GIRLS ARE EVEN TAKING OFF THERE SHIRTS! WHOOHOO!!  
  
*Oh the horror. Even this is unable to wake him up. What will our hero do now?*  
  
Seifer: (This may be sneaky but it's my last chance) *Whispers very soflty* Oh no. How could this have happend? Selphie's not on a sugar buzz.  
  
*The poor whipped boy must have been trained well because he shot off like a rocket while carying a bag of what appeared to be Pixie Stix as well as other sugar induced products*  
  
Seifer: (Ha. Look at that boy go. If he was a Chocobo I could enter him in the Chocobo races down at Gold Saucer. This is perfect). MWAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*No one knew where that strange laugh had come from, but they were all glad that they were outside. Even if it was 6:00 in the morning*  
  
Cid: Now now Selphie. There's no need to act rash.  
  
Irvine: The old fart's right Selphie Poo. Look, I brought you your magic bag of tricks. *Holds up the bag with all the junk food in it*  
  
Selphie: Don't despair Irvine. Just think of all the Chicobo's that will be able to grow up and have a happy short-free life. *Gets stars in her eyes*  
  
Irvine: Come on Selphie, just think this through.... Wait a minute... you just called me Irvine.  
  
Selphie: Yes I did. It's your name isn't it?  
  
Irvine: *Rather agitated now* NO NO NO. MY NAME IS IRVY KINNY POO! THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS CALLED ME, UNLESS *gasp* YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANY MORE. THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT? *Sits on the ground and starts to cry like a baby*  
  
Selphie: *Crouches down next to him and puts her hand on his shoulder* There there Irvine. I'm sure this can be worked out some how.  
  
Irvine: Really? *His eyes get all big and dewy*  
  
Selphie: Just tell me what I can do to make you feel better.  
  
Irvine: *Grins like an idiot* Ok. How about you eat this nice and sugary Pixie Stix?  
  
Selphie: Sorry. I've already given up Pixie Stixs. Is there something else I could do?  
  
Irvine: *Reaches into Selphie's Bag of Tricks* Ok. How about this chocolate bar?  
  
Selphie: Nuh-uh. They give Moogles gas.  
  
Irvine: This bag of marshmallows?  
  
Selphie: Causes death to Bite Bugs.  
  
Irvine: Really? I'll have to remember that one. Ok then, don't these Candy Canes look good?  
  
Selphie: It isn't Christmas yet.  
  
Irvine: *Beginning to lose hope* Well fine then. How about these packets of sugar?  
  
Selphie: Ok. *Grabs the sugar packets and eats about 20 of them in under a minute*  
  
Irvine: *Finally gets of the ground and wipes his nose* Selphie. How are you feeling/  
  
Selphie: *Just stares at him a moment before grinning like a Belhelmel* OH IRVY KINNY POO I LOVE YOU! LETS GO RUN AROUND THE FOUNTAIN UNTIL WE GET SO DIZZY THAT WE FALL DOWN! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Irvine: *Gets all teary eyed again* Oh Sephie Poo how I've missed you. *Grabs her arm and off they go*  
  
Cid: Well it's about time. Now hopefuly we don't have to worry about that damn fog horn. I wonder where she got it form anyways? Oh well. Everyone can go back to their dorms now.  
  
*Back in Seifer and Irvine's room*  
  
Seifer: *Damn. She's back on her sugar rush. At least she got Irvy Kinny Poo in a tizzy. Plus I got a picture of Cid in his Moogle Suit. Perhaps I can use it to blackmail him into making me a Rank A SeeD. Then I would be able to win back Rinoa from that Rank A loser, Squall Leonfart. Everything is going according to plan* MWAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*The students that had returned to their beds, cowered under their sheets at the sound of the ghastly laugh. While off in an issolated forest we see Chocoboy sharing his lifetime supply of Pixie Stix with the local Chicobo's. Note that if you look closely at the wrapper you'll see a label that says : "Is safe for Chicobos and Chocobos off all sizes and will in now way impaire their growth". Most things returned to "normal" at Balamb Garden. There were no more fog horn wake up calls at 6:00 in the morning, the Junior Classmen had there parties at night, and selphie was forever supplied with packets of sugar by a rampant Irvine, who was all in all quite urgent on keeping Selphie on a constant sugar buzz. Yep. All was peaceful in the life of the Balamb Garden students. There were only two reports of strange occurrences in the Garden. One would be the sound of maniacal laughter that would ring through out the halls for now apparent reason, while the other would be the occasional sight of Irvine who appeared to be throwing marshmallows at wandering Bite Bugs. Yet somewhere, deep in the heart of Balamb Garden, lurks a man of with a plan. But that's mostly just cause he has a lot of free time on his hands. What will our hero do next? Guess you'll have to keep reading to find out* :)  
  
  
END  
  
  
  
  
Short? Yes! Stupid? Yes! Review? Yes! 


	5. Never come between a Chicken Wuss and hi...

Title: Static Cling and Other Things  
Started: 11/29/02  
Disclaimer: I own nothing in the story  
  
A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. I'll try and get the next one out sooner. :)  
  
  
Chapter 5: Never come between a Chicken Wuss and his hot dogs  
  
  
  
It was a bright and sunny day. Seifer slept well knowing of the damage that he had inflicted to the Balamb Garden students. True he might have been a little surprised at what Selphie had done the previous morning, but it was a small price to pay to exact his revenge.  
  
Seifer: (Soon those fools will know what happens when you humiliate Seifer J. Almasy. Everyone will remember me. I'll even be more famous than the Card Queen) No one can stop m  
  
*Seifer was stopped in mid sentence when he was suddenly whacked up side the head by *Dum Dum Dummmmm*..... Zell?  
  
Zell: *snicker* Oops, sorry there pal. I didn't notice you since you don't have that bright pair of undies stuck to your back.  
  
Seifer: *Glowing red and snarling* ZELL WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING AND WHY DID YOU SUDDENLY JUST HIT ME? *Seifer notices that people have stopped and and staring at him. He lowers his voice and continues on* Ahhh, Chicken Wuss. You must be swatting those flies again. Maybe if you bathed once in a while it might help.  
  
Zell: Ha. You're one to talk Underwear Man. The flies didn't show up until you appeared. I was just defending myself from the likes of them as well as that stench you were giving off. I'm going outside to get some fresh air. Once you're in a better mood come talk to me and I'll teach you how to swat those flies away. See ya later loser. *Turns and jogs the rest of the way out *  
  
Seifer: Grrr. Damn you Zell Dincht. How dare you talk to me as if I was a child. *Turns and stomps away*  
  
*Seifer and Irvine's room*  
  
Seifer: (Good. Looks like Selphie's out taking her Cowboy for a walk. Now to think of how to get my revenge on that Chicken Wuss. Who does he think he is anyways, the President of Deling? Dammit! I knew that my new Malboro Mist cologne was strong, but I didn't think it was that strong. I guess they really do use the essence of Malboro Breath in it. Oh well. No time to ponder that now. I have to find a way to get back at that loser and I think I know exactly how I'm going to do it too. I truly am the superior one). MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*The sound of slamming doors could be heard through out the Garden's halls as students ran to their rooms and locked their doors. Seifer leaves his room and starts heading for the Cafeteria*  
  
Seifer: (Now to put my plan into action) Hello Cafeteria Lady. How are you today?  
  
Cafeteria Lady: Well hi there youngster. I'm fine but if you are here for the hot dogs I'm afraid we're all sold out today.  
  
Seifer: That's ok ma'am. I'm not here for any hot dogs, but I have some rather disturbing news about them.   
  
Cafeteria Lady: Look. I know that you're part of the Discipline Commitee and all but for the last time I don't know what's in the hot dogs.  
  
Seifer: That's not what this is about ma'am. This is about the hot dogs and how they're really *sniff* quite dangerous to a *sob* Chocobo's voice. *Pretends to cry but is really trying to keep from laughing at the Cafeteria Lady's expression*  
  
Cafeteria Lady: *Has a look of horror on her face* *gasp* I had no idea. Oh those poor Chocobo's. Tell me dear, just how do the hot dogs affect a Chocobo's voice?   
  
Seifer: *Still keeping up his fake act* Well it really is quite horrible. As I'm sure you are well aware of Chocobo's go around saying "Wark" in there oh so cute, gag me with a spoon, way. However when the poor little Chocobo gets a hold of a hot dog it will that cute sounding "Wark" in to a mean and gruff "Work". Then people capture them and use them in there Materia Mines and all the while the Chocobo's just get a measly one Gysahl Green a day.  
  
Cafeteria Lady: *sob* This is just so horrible. What can I ever do to help?  
  
Seifer: (Ha. Hook, line, and stinker. This is going better than I thought). It's simple really. Just discontinue the selling of "these" hot dogs.  
  
Cafeteria Lady: Oh but everyone really likes hot dogs. *Starts to rant madly* Why, this could put us out of business and Cid would have to send out for that expensive Balamb Fish and Shumi Surprise. No one would be able to afford to eat here and so they would move away. People would come to hire SeeDs only to find that know ones around. Garden will be shut down and the place will be turned into a space ship by the race of PuPu. Oh the humanity of it all!   
  
Seifer:*Starts to sweat* Um ma'am, I only said to stop selling "these" hot dogs.   
  
Cafeteria Lady: Oh well now that's a Chocobo of a different color sonny. *Slaps Seifer on the arm so hard that he almost falls over*  
  
Seifer: Uh, yeah, sure. Now You leave everything to me and I'll have you're new hot dogs to you first thing in the morning.  
  
Cafeteria lady: Really? Oh thank you. Is there anyway I can repay you?  
  
Seifer: Just one thing ma'am. I'd like to keep up image so don't tell anyone what I've done, ok?  
  
Cafeteria Lady: You got it Sonny. *Goes back to work as Seifer leaves the Cafeteria*  
  
Seifer: (Now that that's settled it's time I go take care of some other business. That fool Zell won't know what hit him and I'll be the one laughing last). MWAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*Meanwhile in the Cafeteria*  
  
Cafeteria Lady: That poor boy. He's been working so hard and now it sounds as if he's coming down with something. Must be that Funguar Flu that's been going around. I'll be sure to take him some nice, hot Torama Soup and maybe a couple of Jelleye Donuts.  
  
*The next day*  
  
Seifer: (Good thing I got here early and was able to find a good seat to watch the show. Too bad I have to sit behind this guy who keeps mumbling about Quistis. Doesn't that fool know she's mine? Oh well. Zell should be here any minute).  
  
*As if on cue a very energetic Zell came busting through the Cafeteria's doors. He looked rather sweaty too*  
  
Zell: Alright I got here as fast as I could. I even had the Auto-Haste ability junctioned so that I could get here faster. So are there any hot dogs left?  
  
Cafeteria Lady: Why sure thing sonny. These were just delivered this morning so you're in luck.  
  
Zell: Really!? Alright! *Starts to jump up and down and even performs his victory dance*  
  
Cafeteria Lady: Now tell me youngster, how many do you want?  
  
Zell: 10. No wait, 20. Ah hell I wouldn't want to be greedy so I'll just take 50. Thank you. *Accepts the tray with the mountain of hot dogs on it and finds a place to sit*  
  
Seifer: (Way to go Chicken Wuss.Ha. That fool was probably fighting in the Training Center so it's no wonder that he's reeaalll). *snicker, snort, hack, cough, weez, gasp*  
  
*And Seifer probably would have busted out laughing but at that moment he accidently choked on his Three Stars Tea and only managed to end up having it squirt out his nose. However no one noticed for at that time Zell had started to cause a rather large commotion*  
  
Zell: *Waving a hot dog with a rather large bite taken out of it* WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP? I FINALLY GET MY CHANCE TO HAVING A TRAY FULL OF HOT DOGS AND YOU PEOPLE GIVE ME THIS TRAY FULL OF SHIT INSTEAD! THIS STUFF'S SO BAD THAT I DON'T EVEN THINK CERBERUS WILL EVEN EAT IT. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE TO THE "HOT DOGS OF ESTHAR" GROUP. DON'T THINK THAT THIS ISSUE IS RESOLVED FOR I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT! *With that Zell stormed out of the Cafeteria. Everyone ran after Zell to see what he would do so the only people left in the Cafeteria were Seifer and the rather disturbed Cafeteria Lady.  
  
Seifer: (This is great. What will Chicken Wuss do since the Cafeteria only serves fake hot dogs. I'll have to call that Veggie Farm and thank them. This is just to perfect and me without my camera. Oh well. On to the next victim. And speaking of cameras I think I know just the fool to target next). MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*If there had been anyone else, besides the Cafeteria Lady, in the room they would have all fled at the sound of the horrendous laugh. As it turned out instead the Cafeteria Lady walked out to Seifer with what appeared to be a bowl of soup and a donut*  
  
Cafeteria Lady: Too bad about the thing with the hot dogs. I know you tried your best though so I fixed you up a little something to help you with that awful cough of yours. Eat up sonny cause this might be the last meal I ever fix here.  
  
Seifer: Thank you ma'am (I think). (What a strange soup. Rather tasty though. Oh well. No need for it to go to waste). *Seifer finishes his meal and heads off to his dorm*  
  
*It turns out that the Cafeteria Lady was correct about something. That was the last meal she ever cooked at Balamb Garden. Zell had complained to Headmaster Cid so much that Cid finally agreed to employ Zell's Ma as the new head chef. The Cafeteria Lady became known as the Cleaning Lady and is currently the main janitor for the MD Level of the Garden. The rest of the Veggie Dogs were used as fertilizer in the Training Center. Strangely though there don't seem to be as many T-Rexaurs as there used to be.Know one really knows why the Cafeteria had tried serving Veggie Dogs and the Cafeteria Lady, er, make that Cleaning Lady, isn't talking either. Lastly we look in an issolated forest where Chocoboy is sharing his lifetime supply of hot dogs with the local Chocobos. Note that if you look closely at the hot dog box you will see a label that  
says: "Is safe for all Chocobo's and in no way will it impair their voice and they will not be shipped off to Materia Mines where they are forced to tell people to "Work"*  
  
  
*And so ends another fun filled chapter of Seifer getting his revenge. Tune in next time to see who the poor fool is* :)  
  
  
  
Short? Yes! Stupid? Yes! Review? Yes! 


	6. Herbal Tea and Santa don't mix

Title: Static Cling and Other Things  
Started: 11/29/02  
Disclaimer: I own nothing in the story  
  
  
  
Chapter 6: Herbal Tea and Santa don't mix  
  
  
It's a brand new day and dear old Seifer is once again on the prowl for his next prank. Today our journey begins with Seifer planning to have a little talk with Headmaster Cid.  
  
Seifer: (Soon. Very soon. I will show them what happens when you mock Seifer Almasy. But until then I should see about blackmailing that old fart with the picture I took of him. I'm sure Edea could have picked out some better pajamas than that Moogle Suit. But now her fault will be my triumph and I can finally obtain SeeD Rank A). MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*At that instant all the students either hid under their desks or jumped into closets for they still did not know what was causing that eerie laugh*  
  
Seifer: (Time to go pay the old man a little visit). *He heads to the elevator and gets on. Once it reaches the third floor he gets off and heads to Cid's office. He knocks on the door*  
  
Cid: The doors open Snookie Poo.  
  
*Seifer walks in*  
  
Cid: *Slightly disgruntled* Oh, it's you. I thought it was my lovely Edea.  
  
Seifer: (Hmph. I still find it hard to believe at times that matron married this old fart). Uh, no sir. I came here because I wanted to talk to you about something.  
  
Cid: Hmm, alright. Have a seat boy. *He gestures to one of the chairs in front of his desk*  
  
Seifer: (Dammit. What the hell is up with him calling me a boy. First Edea and now him). Yes sir. *Sits down*. This won't take long at all. I wanted to discuss with you the thoughts of my becoming a Rank A SeeD. What do you say?  
  
Cid: *Staring at Seifer like he grew another arm and then suddenly bursts out laughing. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You? A Rank A SeeD. What the hell ever gave you the idea that you could become a Rank A SeeD? I suppose next you'll be wanting to become commander or something. Too bad sonny cause the only Rank A SeeD and commander that we have is Squall and that's exactly how it's going to stay. That was a pretty good joke though.  
  
Seifer: *His left eye is twitching slighlty* I see. Well I thought that you might say something like that so I came prepared. Listen carefuly old man. If you don't make me a Rank A SeeD right this minute I'm going to post these all through out the halls of Balamb Garden. *With that Seifer holds up a picture of *Dum Dum Dummmmm* Cid in his Moogle Suit. MWAHAHAH AHAHAHA. I have you now Cid.  
  
Cid: *Just stares at the picture* Oh. So you're the weirdo that's been laughing through the Garden like a fool. I was also wondering what that bright flash of light I saw was. I had just assumed that it was because of Selphie's little wake-up call that morning. Why would you want a picture of me though?  
  
Seifer: *Is rather dumbfounded* What do you mean "Why"? I took this clearly for blackmail reasons. Now make me a Rank A SeeD. Unless you want me to make copies of this and spread them around the Garden.  
  
Cid: Like I care. Nearly everyone already saw me in my Moogle Suit that morning so it doesn't really matter if they see me in it again.  
  
Seifer: *Now his right eye is starting to twitch* YOU FOOL. IF YOU DON'T MAKE ME A RANK A SeeD I'LL POST THESE OVER THE ENTIRE WORLD.  
  
Cid: Pshaw. I don't care. I've seen worse. And as for blackmailing people you really suck at it. I have to go now though. I'm meeting Edea in Delling City. She wants to shop for a new dress for when we go to the president re-election since she fried the last one. Lock the door when you leave Seifer. Ta ta for now. *Cid gets up and walks out the door*  
  
Seifer: *Is just too stunned to really move* (I can't believe it. After all the effort I put into this, not to mention the fact that I wasted a picture, that old fart goes and pulls something like this. I didn't want to resort to this but now the badger has really pissed me off). *Seifer gets up, walks over to where Cid's special herbal tea is stored and puts a packet of blue powder into one of them* (Now I just have to wait until he makes a cup of tea and then strike. The old fool won't know what he's gotten himself into until it's too late. At last victory will be mine). MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*Meanwhile, in the SeeD garage where Cid is getting a car*  
  
Cid: Ah, it looks like Seifer finally got the joke.  
  
*Time passes and Cid later returns from his shopping trip with Edea. He is extremely tired and goes straight to bed.*  
  
*The next day*  
  
Cid: Ah, what a good nights sleep I had. Now it's time for my morning tea.  
  
*Unknown to Cid, Seifer had waited all night in his office hiding waiting for cid to return. Cid goes about making his tea and then sits down in his chair to enjoy it. Cid still doesn't notice Seifer, even when the potted plant moves closer to Cid. Within a few moments Cid has finished his tea*  
  
Cid: That was a damn good cup of tea. I'll have to get Edea to pick up some more for me. *Cid leans back in his chair and promptly falls asleep*  
  
Seifer: (Geez that guy snores like a Wendigo. How can Edea deal with that? Maybe she casts a Silence spell on him or something. At least I know that he'll be out and I'll be able to complete this part of the mission).  
  
*And complete it he does for when Seifer was finished Cid now resembled a jolly fat man. Well Cid always looked like that, but now he happened to be wearing a bright red outfit complete with matching red hat. It looked as if he even had a white beard on....*  
  
Seifer: *Gets up and quietly walks out of Cid's office*(That will show that old goat not to mess with Seifer J.Almasy. Now all I need to do is wait for him to wake up. Welcome to hell Cid Kramer. The ride has just begun). MWAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*All of the Upper Classmen were at outdoor training sessions so they didn't hear the evil cackle, but unfortunately the Junior Classmen weren't as lucky. They all bolted out of their classrooms all the while shouting things like "Diablos has come to drain our life away", "Agh, Doomtrain will curse us all", and a few even shouted "Where oh where is my Carbuncle Plushie". Now mind you that the combination of Seifer's creepy ass laugh as well as the commotion that the students made had finally managed to wake up Cid. Of course Cid was still a little foggy at the time and was currently unaware of his, ahem, outfit at the moment. None the less Cid rose to the occasion and proceeded to calmly find out just what was going on at the moment. Cid is now down in front of the elevator where all the students were huddling in fear of the laugh the had heard a few minutes ago. However their eyes shone with glee when Cid appeared. Cid wasn't exactly as pleased to see them though and proceeded to tell them just that*  
  
Cid: ALRIGHT YOU LITTLE BRATS JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? I'M IN MY OFFICE MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU YOUNGSTERS DECIDE TO LEAVE YOUR CLASSROOMS AND GO SCREAMING THROUGH THE GARDEN. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK THIS IS, A HOLIDAY?  
  
*Cid puzzled at this as almost the entire student body nodded or mumbled yes*  
  
Student A: Sure we due Mr.Clause, it's Christmas.  
  
Cid: No it isn't. Christmas isn't at least for another week or so. And it's Mr.Kramer, not Clause.  
  
Student B: Dont' be silly Mr.Clause. We know that since the elves are all on strike you have to start doing things a little sooner this year. We don't mind though. A bunch of us can go and bake some Tonberry Pie for you so just wait while you talk to all the students here.  
  
Cid: Well I do like pie but, wait a minute.... What elves? There aren't any elves here.  
  
Student C: Well this ain't the North Pole and... Ah screw it, let's just get the toys. Charge!!!  
  
Cid: Toys? What toys? Oh no! Agghhhhh. *Cid starts to run as all the students chase after him demanding toys  
  
Student A: Come on Mr.Clause. We all want to sit on your lap and tell you our 30 page list of wants. Or if it's easier for you we can send it Chocobo Express.  
  
Cid: Come on kids I don't have that kind of money. All of it goes to Squall's paycheck.  
  
Student B: If you need help I'm sure Mrs.Clause would be happy to lend a hand. I'm sure that incident with Jack Frost was only a one time thing. Meanwhile we can make you some Tonberry Pie.  
  
Cid: But what about my wife Edea?  
  
Student C: What? You mean you've been two timing it with the headmasters wife? We'll get you for that you sleazy bastard. Charge!!!  
  
*For a fat old man Cid managed to run pretty fast. At one point Cid managed to catch a glimpse of himself in the water that circled around the garden and he relized that he really was dressed as Santa Clause. Even the boy jogger joined in and kept saying "Ok, another round" or something like that. Everyone was too busy chasing Santa Cid to notice a smirking Seifer lurking in the corner. Or it could have been that they just give a crap. Anyways this was how the older students found them when they returned from their outdoor classes. Selphie and Rinoa giggled, Irvine tried to hide behind his hat, Zell joined in the chase and kept asking Santa Cid for some "real" hot dogs, Quistis ran after Zell and tried to gain control of the situation with her whip, which only ended up breaking of several large slabs of concrete off the walls. Oh, and Squall, well he just sort of put his face in his hand and started praying that he'd wake up from this horrible nightmare soon. Cid by now has started to wind down. He finally stops but only because he accidently falls into a hole that Quistis had made. Someone had stepped on her foot and she retaliated by using her Homing Laser technique. Cid had just about had enough*  
  
Cid: ENOUGH!(A/N: See, I told you) FOR THE LAST FREAKING TIME I AM NOT SANTA CLAUSE AND THAT MEANS THAT I DO NOT HAVE ANY TOYS. CHRISTMAS ISN'T FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER WEEK SO DON'T BE THINKING THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE GETTING ANY GIFTS EARLY. OFF TO BED NOW OR I'LL START THINKING ABOUT PUTTING A LUMP OF BLACK MATERIA IN YOUR STOCKING. NOW SCOOT!  
  
*And scoot they did. Whether it was because of Cid's words or the fact that Seifer had started laughing again one can not be sure. The older students went back to there rooms. Seifer had hurried on ahead of Irvine so that Irvine wouldn't find out that he had been the cause of that whole mess. But Seifer couldn't resist. He just couldn't help bit let out one small cackle of glee*  
  
Seifer: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*At that instant Irvine opened the door and entered the room. Seifer stopped cackling instantly, not knowing if Irvine had heard him or not*  
  
Irvine: Uh, Seifer?  
  
Seifer: *Starting to sweat lightly* What is it Cowboy?  
  
Irvine: No offense but.... Has enyone ever told you that you sing like a dying Catoblepas?  
  
Seifer: *Starts to breathe again* Yeah well, you act like freaking Cockatrice. Just goes to sleep you loser. *Promptly turns over onto his side and shuts his eyes*  
  
Irvine: Yeah sure. Whatever you say partner. *Gets into a bed and starts to go to sleep*  
  
*Three hours later Seifer opens his eyes with a full understanding of what Irvine had said to him. Seifer gets up and quietly goes and stands next to Irvine*  
  
Seifer: *At full volume* AND DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME "PARTNER" AGAIN YOU SICK PERVERT! *Satisfied at disturbing a now confused Irvine Seifer proceeds to go back to sleep and to dream up who his next victim should be*  
  
  
  
Short? Yes! Stupid? Yes! Review? Yes! 


	7. She's all that

Title: Static Cling and Other Things  
Started 11/29/02  
Disclaimer: I own nothing in the story  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 7: She's all that.  
  
  
Well Seifer's attempt at blackmailing Cid had not gone quite as well as he had hoped, but all was not lost. Now his next plan would take a bit more effort as well as a call to the President of Esthar. He figured that since he dispised Squall the most, Seifer would get back at him in several ways. And that is how the day started. Irvine had gotten up early and had gone to give Selphie her morning dose of sugar packets. This was good because Seifer wanted to be by himself when he made that oh so important phone call.  
  
*Seifer and Irvine's Room*  
  
Seifer: (Good. Now that Cowboy is out I can begin my plan). *Picks up the phone and dials*  
  
*In the office of President Laguna Loire* *Ring, ring, ring* *Ring, ring ring*  
  
Laguna: Hello. Laguna Loire speaking.  
  
Seifer: *His voice disguised as a seductive woman* Oh I'm so glad that I could get a hold of you Mr.President. I've heard how wonderful and kind a man you were and I need your help.  
  
Laguna: *Slight trickle of blood coming out of his nose* Oh ho ho ho. I'll be happy to help you miss. What can I do to you.... er, I mean for you?  
  
Seifer: *Still just as seductive* Oh it's simple really. I'm going to be putting on a fashion show at Balamb Garden and one of the models is sick with the Funguar Flu and I was hoping that you could replace them. Please, pretty please?  
  
Laguna: *Giggling with delight* Ah ha ha ha. Of course I would miss. I happen to know of Balamb Garden well because I have a son there. He's a great kid and has made me so proud. Not only has he become a Rank A SeeD and gotten himself a wonderful girlfriend, I can practically hear the wedding bells already, but he and his friends saved the world from that evil Ultimatum.  
  
*A voice is heard in the background*  
  
Kiros: Ward says that it was the evil Ultimecia, Laguna.  
  
Laguna: I knew that. Anyways maybe while you're there I can introduce you to him.  
  
Seifer: *You can almost see the steam pouring out of his ears and his voice isn't as seductive* Oh no Mr. President. That's ok. I don't think I'll have time to meet that sucker, er, I mean savior. I'll be too busy planning the show and getting your... outfit ready. The show will be held in 5 hours today so be sure to fly the Ragnarok over. Until then, toodles. *Rather forcefuly puts the phone down on the reciever*  
  
Laguna: *Oblivious to anything* Oh this will be so exciting. I'll be able to see Squall again. I must get prepared. Kiros, Ward, prepare the Ragnarok. I must go pack.  
  
Kiros: *Sigh* Yes Laguna. Let's go Ward.  
  
Ward: .....  
  
Kiros: I know Ward. He can be a little weird at times. Let's just hurry up and get this over with.  
  
*Two and a half hours later on the Ragnarok*  
  
Kiros: Geez Laguna. You think you got enough stuff?  
  
Laguna: Well you can never be to careful, Kiros. Who knows what dangers lean around the corner?  
  
Ward: ......  
  
Kiros: Ward says that it's "lurk". Who knows what dangers lurk around the corner?  
  
Laguna: I knew that. I was just testing you.  
  
Kiros: Yeah but did you really need to bring all this crap.   
  
Ward: ......  
  
Laguna: That isn't nice Ward.  
  
Kiros: I agree with him though. You do pack like a woman. What's next, wearing a dress and makeup?  
  
Laguna: Oh come on now. I may be just a tad weird but I still have my masculinity. Oh good, we're finally here.  
  
Kiros: It's about time.  
  
*Laguna, Kiros, and Ward have landed the Ragnarok outside of Balamb Garden*  
  
Laguna: *Adjusts his suspenders* You guys wait here and I'm going to find that young lady who needs my help. *Starts skipping off*  
  
Ward: .....  
  
Laguna: I know Ward. Laguna must have been dropped on his head as a child.  
  
*In a dark corner of the Balamb Garden's.... Parking Lot? Seifer is there and he appears to be dressed in, well, a dress. As well as pantyhouse, make-up, and four inch heels. A black lacey scarf covers her, er, his face*  
  
Seifer: *His voice disguised just like it was when he talked to Laguna on the phone* I'm so glad you could make it Laguna.  
  
Laguna: Well of course miss. Anything to help a pretty girl such as yourself. *Gives a sly wink* ;)  
  
Seifer: *Sweats slightly at that* Ah, of course Laguna. Here, I've brought the clothes for you. *Holds up what appears to be a black garbage bag*]  
  
Laguna: Ok then. Let's have a look at what we've got here. *Takes the bag and opens it up*....... What the hell!?  
  
Seifer: Is something wrong Laguna?  
  
Laguna: Yeah something is wrong. Just what are you trying to pull here missy? *Pulls a bright yellow sundress out of the bag*  
  
Seifer: *Pulls a pink kanky from out of nowhere and starts to dab at where his eyes are under the scarf* *Boo hoo hoo* I'm sorry I didn't explain everything over the phone Laguna, but I knew that if I did you wouldn't have agreed to help me. *Boo hoo hoo*. You see, the model that was supposed to where that has come down with a drastic case of the Funguar Flu. I couldn't find anyone else that was a perfect size 8 dress. (A/N: How Seifer knows Laguna's dress size is beyond me).  
  
Laguna: *Starts to pat Seifer's shoulder* There, there little lady. There's no need to cry. I didn't realize just how important to you this was. I suppose that since you couldn't find anyone else, plus the fact that it's so close to showtime, I'll help you out. But just this once, ok?  
  
Seifer: *Starts acting rather fruity* OH THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH. I WILL FOREVER REMEMBER YOUR KINDESS.  
  
Laguna: Sure thing miss. Oh, and by the way, what might be your name be?  
  
Seifer: Uh, my name is, um.....  
  
Laguna: Don't be shy now. (She's so take by my charms, Laguna you stud you).  
  
Seifer: My name is.... is Salamander. (Salamander? What the hell was I thinking!?)  
  
*And of course Laguna being the idiot, er, I mean, being the stud that he was, had now clue that a Salamander is really a type of lizard*  
  
Laguna: Of course. A fitting name for one such as yourself. Now be a dear and turn around while I change.  
  
*15 minutes later*  
  
Laguna: Well, how do I look?  
  
Seifer/Salamander: *Salamander tried his/her best to hide his/her snickers* Oh you look absolutely stunning. You'll certainly be top dog at the show.  
  
*And stunning he was for Laguna now was wearing the bright yellow sundress, pearl necklace and earrings, pantyhose, yellow three-inch heels, and make-up*  
  
Laguna: Thank you kindly miss. I think it's about time for us to go meet with the other models.  
  
Seifer/Salamander: *Quickly recovers* Oh that's ok dear. You just go on ahead and I'll meet you in front of the directory.  
  
Laguna: Alright then miss, If you say so. See you later. *He leaves the garage and starts heading to the directory*  
  
Seifer: (Good. That bafoon is finally gone. Now to get out of these ridiculous clothes). *Changes his clothes at the speed of light* (I never realized how weak men can be at times. All girls need to do is to put on the water works and you become putty in their hands. I guess that's how Rinoa was able to get away with charging 3,500,000 Gil to my credit card. Good thing I got that new Gold Chocobo Credit Card. But her time is coming. Just wait Rinoa. I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too). MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*Meanwhile, at the directory where Laguna is currently waiting for Salamander*  
  
Laguna: That poor girl. She must have been moved to tears by my kindness.  
  
*At that moment Squall, Rinoa, and Selphie are walking out of the elevator and down the stairs. They are engaged in a conversation and so haven't noticed the dolled up Laguna yet*  
  
Squall: I don't know about this Rinoa. I'm not sure I'm really into the idea of you and Selphie giving me a make over.  
  
Rinoa: Nothing to worry about. We just want to dress you in a suit and style your hair. Then we can go dancing again. This time with Selphie and Irvine. I'll even wear that white dress you like so much.  
  
Squall: *Smiles a little at the memory* Really? I guess that wouldn't be so bad. Just be careful not to bump into anyone.  
  
Rinoa: *Also smiles at the memory* Sure. And besides, it's not like we're going to dress you up like a girl and put make-up on you.  
  
Selphie: *Suddenly tunes in to the conversation* Why not guys, it looks like Squall's dad is doing it*  
  
Squall&Rinoa: What!?  
  
Selphie: See? *Points to where Laguna is at the directory*  
  
*Laguna by now sees Squall and the others*  
  
Laguna: *Yells really loud and starts to wave his arms* HI SQUALL. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN SON. HOW ARE THINGS GOING WITH YOU AND RINOA. HAVE YOU JUMPED INTO THE HAY YET?  
  
*Squall quickly runs over to his dad to try and shut him up*  
  
Squall: *Shhhh* Keep it down dad. Do you want people to hear you.  
  
Laguna: Of course I do son. Why, it's time for the fashion show and I'm waiting for the other models. I'm waiting for my lovely Salamander to show. By the way, have you seen her? Such a nice girl.  
  
*Squall by now is also thinking that Laguna had been dropped on his head as a child*  
  
Squall: Uh, no dad I haven't and besides, a Salamander is a type of lizard and there hasn't been any word about a fashion show her. If there is I'll just tell all the other drag queens that you couldn't make it. Now I think it's time for you to go home. I assume that you came on the Ragnarok, but if you came by train then it would probably be a good idea to change before you leave. I'm sorry to cut this visit short but I'm very busy. Be sure to stop by again when you're back to normal. Good bye father. *And with that Squall, Rinoa, and Selphie hurry off to their next destination all the while leaving a very confused Laguna*  
  
Laguna: Hmm, maybe Salamander got the dates of the fashion show wrong. I don't see her and it's time for me to be getting back to the office. If I see her again I'll return it. Farewell, my sweet Salamander. *Laguna tearfuly leaves and returns to the Ragnarok where Kiros and Ward are waiting*  
  
*Meanwhile, back at the Ragnarok*  
  
Kiros: Dammit that's the 10 times in a row that I've lost at poker. You sure have a good poker face.  
  
Ward: .....  
  
Kiros: Oh no. Don't go thinking that I'm going to lose again. Bring it on pal.  
  
*At that moment Laguna enters the Ragnarok*  
  
Kiros: *Who isn't paying to much attention and doesn't even look up* You must be that woman that Laguna talked to on the phone. Sorry but that loser isn't here right now. He's probably looking for you in the Balamb Garden building right now.  
  
Laguna: No actually that loser is right here.  
  
Kiros: *Is rather stunned at first but then busts out laughing* Bhahahahahahahahaha. Laguna, what the hell happened to you? When we left you you somewhat resembled a man, but now I'm not quite sure how to describe you.  
  
Laguna: *Very sarcastic* Ha ha, very funny Kiros. I'll have you know that the young woman just happened to need my help and me, being the kind person that I am, offered to help her.  
  
Ward: ......  
  
Kiros: Ward is right. You really are about a minus 3 on the manly scale.  
  
Laguna: Yeah whatever. Let's just hurry up and go home. The pantyhose are starting to ride up.  
  
Kiros: *Snicker* Sure thing Luann.  
  
*Back in Seifer and Irvine's room*  
  
Seifer: (That was probably one of the easiest stunts I ever pulled. I just wish I could have come up with a better name than Salamander. I mean,who the hell would be named that)?  
  
*Off in an issolated island we see Chocoboy with his girlfriend Lulu and her Chocobo Salamander. Lulu is wearing a (rather familiar) bright yeallow sundress that she saw someone wearing and just had to get it*  
  
  
Short? Yes! Stupid? Yes! Review? Yes! 


	8. Angel of Desire

Title: Static Cling and Other Things  
Started: 11/29/02  
Disclaimer: I own nothing in the story  
  
A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up. I haven't felt like typing much lately. Hope you all enjoy this chapter.  
Chapter 8: Angel of Desire  
After the great success Seifer had at getting Laguna in some drag, he was feeling pretty good about himself. Well, that is until he bumped into an.... old friend.  
  
Old Friend: Oh sorry about that I didn't see you... Oh, it's just you. Never mind you loser.  
  
Seifer: *Rather sarcastically* How nice to see you Rinoa. I see that you haven't lost that adorable little humor that you like to fling around so much. Of course, you don't fling your humor around as much as you do other things *snicker*  
  
Rinoa: *Giving Seifer the Evil Eye* Your right Seifer, so how about I fling my Blaster Edge at you? Of course I might not want to risk damaging it against that thick head of yours.  
  
Seifer: You should be careful shooting that Blaster Edge aroung. You wouldn't want to break anything important, like a nail or something.  
  
Rinoa: *sigh* Whatever creep. I wouldn't want anyone to see me associating with a crack head such as you. Besides, I have to go meet my Squall at the Beach. We're going Fastitocalon fishing. Hope I don't see you again anytime soon loser *And with that Rinoa walks out the front gate and goes to meet up with Squall*  
  
Seifer: (..... Oh yeah, she wants me. Now all I need to do is figure out that how to make her see that Squall is not as great as she thinks he is. I think this calls for a little trip to the beach..... Of course I'd better make sure to take some of that "Son of Sun Sunscreen" that I just bought. Wouldn't want my nose to peel like last time)  
  
*Meanwhile, at the Beach, the two love chocobo's are unaware that a presence is watching them from behind some bushes. Hint, hint, it's Seifer*  
  
Rinoa: Sorry about being late earlier. I had to deal with some bad company.  
  
Squall: What, did the Bite Bugs escape from the Training Center again?  
  
Rinoa: No, Irvine too care of most of them with his bag of marshmellows. I'm talking about Seifer. That guy just won't stop pestering me. Why can't he get it through his thick head that after he tried to destroy the planet and all, well, I'm just not interested anymore.  
  
Squall: In a way I don't blame the poor sap and it's because you're just so darn cute.  
  
Rinoa: *Blushing Bright Red* Awww, how sweet. I've got to be the luckiest girl in the world. *tee-hee*  
  
Squall: Well then this is going to be the cherry on the cake. *Starts to pull something out of his back pocket*  
  
Rinoa:*Smiling* Er, don't you mean the icing on the cake? I think I can see some resemblance between you and your dad.  
  
Squall: *Stops for a moment to think* Well, it doesn't really matter. I guess I do make mistakes at times, but it wouldn't matter a bit to me if you, Rinoa C.Heartilly, would do me the honer of becoming Mrs. Rinoa C. Leonhart. What do you say Rinoa? *With that Squall held out a silver ring identical to his Griever one, only this one was smaller*  
  
Rinoa: *Is just standing there with her mouth gaping open for a few minutes* I... I do. Yes Squall, I will.  
  
*Luckilly for Seifer the noise that Squall made was far louder than Seifer's squeal of defeat*  
  
Seifer: (No, this can't be. Oh the horror. I was so close. Dammit how could I have missed the signs. Well I may have lost the battle, but the war has not yet been fought. I'll just have to find a way to humiliate the happy couple. Things are said to get interesting on the Honey Moon, so I think I'll set my trap around that. Just you wait Squall Leonhart. Your now in the calm before the storm). WMAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*Of course at that time Squall was still making too much noise for either him or Rinoa to hear Seifer's cackle*  
  
*The next day, in the Garden's Cafeteria, Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Selphie, Irvine, and Quistis were sitting at their usual table*  
  
Zell: So you and Rinoa have finally decided to tie the knot.  
  
Selphie: Yeah. We were all wondering when you would get around to it.  
  
Squall: *Hmph* These things are tricky and should not be rushed into.  
  
Quisitis: Well at least you proposed. I'm still waiting for Seifer to be man enough about to ask me.  
  
Irvine: Hey Selphie, since we're all talking about weddings here what do you say to you and I getting hitched?  
  
Selphie: Ummmmmm, ok! But only if we can get a sugar filled chocolate cake.  
  
Rinoa: I have an idea. Since Squall and I are getting married, and now Selphie and Irvine, why don't we do a double wedding?  
  
Squall: I don't see why not. It would be cheaper that way too.  
  
Irvine: Oh and like you couldn't afford it, mister Rank A SeeD.  
  
*Bet you're wondering were Seifer is. Well, why Squall and the rest of the gang are having a good time in the Cafeteria Seifer decided it was time to put his plan into action. He is now in Squall and Rinoa's room (Yes they're sharing a room) ;)*  
  
Seifer: (If I can't have Rinoa then I might as well start making their marriage rocky. Twist this here... and plug this in there... and BINGO! One well placed, microscopic, state of the art, video camera. Those two better enjoy the evening while they can because it's going to get a little bumpy from now on. No one will suspect a thing). WMAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*Squall and his friends were making too much noise at the time or else they would have noticed the evil laugh coming from Squall and Rinoa's room*  
  
*The next day, which is also the day of the double wedding. The wedding is being held outside in front of the fountain and all of the residents are there. Well, all except for Seifer. Seems he was too tired to attend. Quistis was a flower girl and didn't look too happy about having to wear a frilly pink dress. Zell was the best man and was wearing his SeeD uniform. Cid, who was bawling his eyes out, walked both Rinoa and Selphie to where the grooms were waiting. Even Edea was there in a long grey dress. She thought that her usual black dress would make her look like she was going to a funeral.Squall and Irvine were both decked out in there best duds. Squall in his SeeD uniform (You know, the one he was wearing at the party after he became a seed), and Irvine was wearing a brown suit similar in color to his normal cowboy attire. Even Selphie hadn't managed to make him lose the hat for the ceremony. Selphie had on a yellow silk dress that was the same color as her jumper, and Rinoa had on a lovely blue dress that also matched her normal outfit. There were even silver wings sowed into the fabric on the back of the dress*  
  
Priest: Welcome all on this joyous occasion. We are gathered here to unite Squall Leonhart and Rinoa Heartilly, as well as Irvine Kinneas and Selphie Tilmitt, in holy matrimony. Today will be a moment to remember always because it is the symbol of..... *Suddenly the preacher stopped talking in mid sentence*  
  
Selphie: Uh, Mr.Preacher. Did you forget what you're supposed to say?  
  
Squall: He better not be dead. I don't really feel like paying for two weddings and a funeral. *grumble, grumble*  
  
Rinoa: No, wait. I don't think he's dead. listen.  
  
*Everyone was silent for a few moments when.....*  
  
Preacher: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZSNORXSNAWWWWWWWWWWWWSHZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.  
  
Irvine: What the hell. That old fart fell alseep right in the middle of our wedding. Hey, wake up you old fossil. I'm not paying for you to sleep.  
  
Squall: *Sarcastic* What are you talking about, Irvine? You're not paying for anything.  
  
Irvine: Well yeah that's true. But seriously old man. WAKE UP!  
  
Preacher: *Jerks awake* Huhhn snarlk gwuhzz zzat. Oh, yes. Let's see now, um. Our four uncles brought justice to this sinful land and may it rest in eternal peace, amen. Oh, and don't forget the coffee.  
  
Selphie: Coffee?  
  
Preacher: Well I like tea better. With lots of sugar and honey, oh yeah, and don't forget the lard.  
  
Rinoa: Lard?  
  
*About this time everyone is beginning to think that the old man did quite a bit of drugs in his youth*  
  
Squall: *Grrrrrr* LISTEN YOU SENILE OLD FART. WE AREN'T HERE TO TALK ABOUT COFFEE, TEA, OR LARD. RINOA AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED. SELPHIE AND IRVINE ARE GETTING MARRIED. YOU ARE THE DUMB ASS PREACHER THAT HAS UNFORTUNATELY BEEN HIRED TO PERFORM THE CERAMONY. SO START PERFORMING!  
  
Selphie: Amen!  
  
Preacher: *Hmph* Well, if your going to get all huffy about it, then I'll just have to speed this up now. Ok then, do you Squall Leonhart take Rinoa Heartilly to be your wife?  
  
Squall: Yes.  
  
Preacher: And do you, Rinoa Heartilly, take Squall Leonhart to be your husband?  
  
Rinoa: *blush* I do.  
  
Preacher: Now do you, Irvine Kinneas, take Selphie Tilmitt to be your wife?  
  
Irvine: Woo doggie, you bet I do.  
  
Preacher: And lastly do you, Selphie Tilmitt, take Irvine to be to be your husband?  
  
Selphie: Hell yeah!  
  
Preacher: Very good. I know pronouce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride or groom or whoever the hell you want to. I'm getting out of here and may god have mercy on your sins. *And with that the Preacher storms out of the Garden*  
  
Edea: It's about time.  
  
Quistis: Now I can change out of this crappy dress. I need to go fight a T-Rexaur or something.  
  
Zell: If you can find any T-Rexaurs that is. Thanks to that damn fertilizer all we seem to be getting are those stupid Bite Bugs.  
  
Selphie: I thought Irvy Poo took care of those with the marshmellows?  
  
Quistis: What about the Grats?  
  
Zell: Joker of the CC Group took care of them. Said he was tired of being the Black Sheep of the club and wants to become a member of SOLDIER instead.  
  
Squall: A member of what?  
  
Quistis: Oh great. Now the Training Center is going to be just like any tropical forest.  
  
Cid: Not to worry Quistis. I'll just have to bring some new monsters over. Let's see now. How about Instead of the usual batch of T-Rexaurs and Grats, we now will have Ruby Dragons and Malboros?  
  
Quistis: Fine. Just as long as I get to kill something.  
  
Irvine: Speaking of killing something, where did that loser Seifer get to?  
  
Rinoa: He probably just couldn't bare the fact that Squall and I are now a married couple and will be joined together for the rest of time. Oh, and Squall, speaking of joing things together why don't we go back to our room and expand on that a bit.  
  
Squall: *Is very interested in the idea but still tries to keep his "I don't give a crap" attitude* Whatever.  
  
Rinoa: Whatever.  
  
Irvine: Ha! She's already got you down Squall.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Rinoa: Whatever.  
  
Edea: Ok people. It's time for the brides and grooms to cut the cake and gifts.  
  
Squall: Cake?  
  
Rinoa: Yeah. In weddings it's a tradition for the bride and groom to cut a slice of cake and feed it to each other.  
  
Irvine: Weird. (Oh well. At least Selphie will get her sugar buzz. Heh heh heh).  
  
Selphie: Yay, cake!  
  
Squall: Oh let's just hurry up and finish this. *And in one clean stroke he whips his Gunblade out of the middle of freaking no where, uses his Lion Heart Limit Break, and now the cake is in even slices. Enough for the whole party. Wow!*  
  
Zell: Way to go Squall. You're better than those guys on the Iron Chef.  
  
Squall: The what chef?  
  
Rinoa: Look at all the stuff that people gave to us.  
  
Selphie: Yay, presents!  
  
*And a lot of stuff it was. Squall and Rinoa got the usual gifts of things like toasters, waffle makers, juicers, ect, ect. But they also got a cleaning kit (For Squall's Gunblade), and a new collar and leash (For Angelo, not Squall:)). Selphie and Irvine also got the traditional blender and coffee maker. Irvine got a 2 year subcription to "I Want to Hold Your Gun" (It's a magazine about guns, as stated in earlier chapters), and Selphie got a large box of Pixie Sticks. Now that the wedding was over the two couples set off on their next destination. Squall and Rinoa were heading back to their room to, uh, start the Honey Moon, while Irvine and Selphie were heading to Gold Saucer so they could bet on the Chocobo Races. All in all things seemed to be working out pretty well. Of course we all know that a certain other Gunblade weilding bad ass is up to something.*  
  
*Meanwhile, back at Squall and Rinoa's love sha, er, their wonderfully clean and simple room*  
  
Rinoa: I stil find it hard to believe that we'er finally married.  
  
Squall: Yeah.  
  
Rinoa: Well, now that we're husband and wife we can get down to business.  
  
Squall: *Slight blush* Uhm, yeah.  
  
Rinoa: Good. I have something I want to show you. Be right back *She now dashes off into the bathroom*  
  
Squall: I hope she doesn't stay in there for hours.  
  
*Several hours later. Squall had begun to think that the evil toilet monster had taken Rinoa or something and so he had fallen asleep. Even a certain camera man had dozed off*  
  
Rinoa: *Who finally makes her appearance* I guess I was in there longer than I thought. Look at him. He's so cute when he's alseep. Not nearly as much of a grouch. Well, time to get things started then. *She walks over to Squall and gently shakes him awake*  
  
Squall: Zzzzzzsnarzxerfoamfilledzzzsnaaafhuuuuuuhh. *Suddenly jerks awake when his eyes focus on what,or should a say who, is in front of him*  
  
Rinoa: Oh how cute. You drooled a little in your sleep.  
  
Squall: Uh, yeah. That's it. *Quickly wipes it off*  
  
Rinoa: Sorry it took so long but this thing is so hard to change into.  
  
Squall: Oh, that's ok. I can see that it was worth it.  
  
*And worth it it was. Rinoa was now clad in a silky blue thong along with a rather sheer bodice. On her back was her usual silver winged motif. She had now shoes on but a gold bracelet around each ankle. She also had on gloves that went from the top of her elbow and down to her fingers where there were finger holes. On each wrist was another gold bracelet. Her neck had a matching gold chocker on it. To top it off her entire body was dotted with silver specks of body glitter. In fact, the whole outfit was down right blinding. The shine of it was even enough to wake up a snoring camera man*  
  
Seifer: (Well it's about time. She never took this long in the bathroom when we were together. She never had anything like that either. Well this will certainly make up for it. Lights, camera, action! We'll see who has the last laugh and I have a pretty good guess who that's going to be). WMAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*Due to the, er, noise that was being made in the other room, Seifer's evil laugh could not be heard*  
  
*The next day*  
  
Seifer: *Looks half alseep and is hiding in some bushes nearby* (Man am I tired. Not only did I get the pictures developed but I posted them too. Oh well. The events that will soon occure will be enough for me to sleep well. Ah, I see our two actors are in place. Let the show begin in 3, 2, 1, and..............ACTION).  
  
Rinoa: HOLY CRAP I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. SQUALL, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?  
  
Squall: Well I, I don't know.   
  
Rinoa: IT'S ONE THING FOR A MARRIED COUPLE TO DO THIS KIND OF THING. I COULD EVEN UNDERSTAND IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE SOME PICTURES FOR YOURSELF. BUT THIS, THIS IS TOO MUCH!  
  
Squall: Honestly sweety. I don't know how these got here. I certainly didn't put them up.  
  
Rinoa: WELL THEN WHO DID?  
  
*By now you all might be wondering what the whole commotion is about so I'll tell you. It seems that a certain someone has taken pictures of Rinoa when she was in her angel costume and has posted them all of the walls in the Garden. Now, I wonder who that could be?*  
  
Squall: I'm sure that this is just some ass holes idea of a sick joke and I... HEY! GET AWAY FROM THERE YOU PERVETS!  
  
*By now the yelling has gotten everyones attention including some rather hopless geeks. They seemed to have taken a liking to the pictures of Rinoa and had decided to get some as a souvenir. This, of course, doesn't make Squall very happy and who is now running around while swinging his Gunblade*  
  
Squall: COME BACK HERE AND FIGHT ME YOU COWARDS. HOW DARE YOU TRY AND TAKE SOMEONE ELSES PROPERTY!  
  
Rinoa: PROPERTY! WHO'S THE PROPERTY. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST PUT THAT COLLAR AND LEASH ON YOU!  
  
*Squall now stops running and faces of against his spouse*  
  
Squall: AND I BET IT WOULD LOOK BETTER ON ME TOO. NO ONE, AND I SAY NO ONE, CAN WEAR A BELT OR A BUCKLE LIKE I CAN!  
  
Riona: WELL EXCEPT FOR YUGI MOTOU THAT IS!  
  
Squall: WHO?  
  
Rinoa: SHAME ON YOU SQUALL. YOU'RE SO UNCULTURED THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THAT!  
  
Squall: YEAH, WELL, MAYBE I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT CARTOONS, BUT I'M A HELL OF A LOT MORE CULTURED THAN THAT LOSER SEIFER!  
  
Rinoa: Hmm. That's true.  
  
*Seifer is still hiding in the bushes*  
  
Seifer: (That's not true. I happen to watch cartoons quite often. Those Power Puff Girls really know how to kick some ass).  
  
*Of course Cid has now managed to make it down to the feuding couple*  
  
Cid: Alright kiddies what seems to be the problem.  
  
Squall: What do you mean "what's the problem"? Just look around you.  
  
Cid: Oh, I see. What interesting new artwork, hmm. *Takes a closer inspection and relizes what exactly he's looking at*. Oh my.  
  
*Rinoa just stands there blushing*  
  
Cid: Miss Leonhart the artwork is very nice, but I'm afraid that this is a bit too extreme for the Garden. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to lower your SeeD Rank by 1 point.  
  
Rinoa: Umm, but I'm not a SeeD.  
  
Cid: Oh, that's right. Well then I'll just have to lower Squalls SeeD Rank instead. I'll send some people down later to clean up this mess. Carry on. *Heads back up to his office*  
  
*Squall is just to stunned to speak for a moment*  
  
Rinoa: Squall, are you ok?  
  
*Meanwhile, back in the bushes*  
  
Seifer: (Oh, this is the happiest day of my life. That Rank A loser is now a Rank 30 Loser. I'm so happy I could cry. But I think I'll just laugh instead). MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*By now Squall had managed to find his voice and the wounded animal sound he made was more than enough to cover the sound of evil laughter*  
  
*A couple of days later*  
  
*Things managed to get back to normal fairly quickly. Squall and Rinoa had worked things out, Irvine and Selphie were still at the Gold Saucer and didn't have a clue as to what had happened, and Cid was finally getting around to bringing in the new monsters for the Training Center. Squall was at Rank 30 for these few days, but managed to raise it back to Rank A when he saved Cid from a Malboro that tried to get to friendly with him. Things were running smoothly again and the pictures had all been taken off the walls. Most of them had been destroyed but you can still find a couple of them floating around. Like on a certain hidden island, where Chocoboy and his Chocobos hang out, we see Chocoboy with a familiar looking picture that was sent to him via Gold Chocobo. Oh, and where is Seifer now. Apparently he was allergic to that bush he was hiding in and came down with a rather nasty rash. Don't think that that's stopped him from plotting though.*  
  
Seifer: (This rash sucks but it was worth it for the amount of damage it caused. The players are lined up and the trap is set. Just you wait Squall Leonfart. Your time is coming soon). WMAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*Just then two random people walk by*  
  
Random Girl: Too bad about what happened to Seifer.  
  
Random Guy: Yeah. From that sound he made I'd say he's in a lot of pain.  
  
*And so ends this chapter. What does Seifer have in mind for Squall? Will Seifer's rash ever go away? Will Irvine and Selphie do well at the Chocobo Races? Stay tuned to find out in the exciting conclusion to this weird story*  
  
Short? Yes! Stupid? Yes! Review? Yes! 


	9. Oh the Humanity!

Title: Static Cling and Other Things  
Started: 11/29/02  
Disclaimer: I own nothing in the story  
Chapter 9: Oh the Humanity!  
This was it. The day that Seifer has finally decided to get his revenge on Squall. The day that he would would humiliate him as he himself was humiliated.... After he got some breakfast from the Cafeteria that is.  
  
*In the Cafeteria. Seifer walks in and spots Squall and his buddies sitting at their usual table. Seifer also sits at his usual spot in the back near the Trepies. Seifer decided that this would be the perfect spot to spy on Squall and figure out his plan of action.*  
  
Seifer: (This is the perfect spot to spy on Squall and figure out my plan of action).  
  
*Oh, also Irvine and Selphie are back from their trip to Gold Saucer*  
  
Rinoa: It looks like you guys had a lot of fun.  
  
Selphie: Yep. You'd be surprised at how many people were there. Especially this weird guy named Dio. He said he owned the place but I think he was really just one of the bouncers.  
  
Irvine: You sure seemed to like his undies though. You were even talking about getting a pair like that for me.  
  
Squall: Ugh, that's a little too much information.  
  
Zell: Yeah man. Not in the middle of when I'm eating.  
  
*Said the human garbage disposal who was like on his 50th hot dog. The non-veggie kind that is*  
  
Quistis: Enough. Tell us about the rest of the attractions.  
  
Selphie: Well there was Speed Square which had a super fun roller coaster. Irvine screamed like a little girl but I managed to get 5000 Points. All they gave me was this stupid Umbrella though.  
  
Irvine: Tsk. It seemed to serve well as a weapon though when that guy spilled his drink on you.  
  
Selphie: I know. That blonde, spikey-headed jerk didn't even apologize. Then, for some weird reason he grabbed the Umbrella and took off saying that he needed it as a gift for his girlfriend.  
  
Irvine: It was rather humorous but not as much as Event Square.  
  
Rinoa: Event Square?  
  
Selphie: Yeah that's where they hold things like plays and such. The guy at the entrance said that we were the 100th couple so we got to be the lead characters in the play.  
  
Irvine: Selphie was the captured Princess and I was the dashing Knight.  
  
Selphie: Dashing yes, but an acter, no. He was so nervous that he ended up kissing the King instead of me.  
  
Irvine: Yeah and in turn you got mad at the acter playing the Dragon that was breathing down your neck and ended up socking it.  
  
Selphie: In the end we were all so embarassed that we kind of just danced of the stage.  
  
Zell: Ha. I think it sounds like a great play. I wish I had been there to see.  
  
Irvine: We did much better in the other squares though.  
  
Selphie: Yeah. There was Battle Square, Wonder Square, Chocobo Square, Ghost Square and Round Square.  
  
Irvine: Battle Square is just as it sounds. You pay 10 GP and you fight in battles. There are eight battles and the better you do the more Battle Points you get. *Puffs out his chest* I did pretty good myself.  
  
Selphie: Yeah until you walked out of there before trading in your points for prizes. As soon as you leave your Battle Points are dropped back down to 0.  
  
Irvine: Yeah well I didn't know that at the time.  
  
Selphie: I had entered too but we were only able to get a "Regan Green", which I ended up feeding to one of the Chocobos at the Chocobo Square.  
  
Irvine: Too bad though. I had kind of wanted that "Omnislash" item.  
  
Selphie: You probably couldn't use it anyways.  
  
Irvine: Oh well, you're probably right.  
  
Rinoa: So what's this Wonder Square all about? It sounds interesting.  
  
Selphie: It was very interesting. There was so much there though that we only got around to some of the things. My favorite was the Snow Boarding Game. I made it all the way to the 3rd Course.  
  
Irvine: My favorite was the G Bike. I got over 10,000 Points and the game spits out 10 GP and something called a "Speed Source". I didn't know what it was for so I ended up giving it to this weird stuffed toy with a cat on his head. He seemed to have more knowledge about the item.  
  
Selphie: Another favorite of mine was called "Mog House". I ended up helping to cute little Moogle and the guy behind me was so impressed that he gave me 30 GP. Of course Irvy Poo got all mad because he thought the guy was trying to give me his phone number so he ended up punching him.  
  
Rinoa: Sounds like something Seifer would do. He can be such a hot head.  
  
*Meanwhile, off in the corner*  
  
Seifer: (That's so not true. I am not a hot head. In fact I'm probably one of the nicest guys around). HEY WAITER, WHERE'S MY COFFEE!?  
Waiter: Yes Sir, it's on its way. (What a hot head).  
  
*Now back to the buddy table*  
  
Irvine: The guy ran off bawling while saying something about the last person he gave 30 GP to didn't do that.  
  
Selphie: Chocobo Square was next and it was such a cool place.  
  
Irvine: Yeah the track that the Chocobo's run on is a hologram.  
  
Squall, Rinoa, Quistis,and Zell: Whoooowwww.  
  
Selphie: Irvine was even allowed to enter a race. But, alas, he was no match for Joe and his Chocobo.  
  
Irvine: Yeah and I really wanted to win that "Ribbon" for you. It was said to repel any Status Effects.  
  
Rinoa: Hmmm, a "Ribbon" that repels Status Effects. I wonder why we don't have something like that here? (1)  
  
Squall: The world may never know.  
  
Irvine: Ghost Square was just a hotel. That's where Selphie and I stayed.  
  
Selphie: We did manage to find an Elixir in the dresser though. That was kind of nifty,  
  
Irvine: The last place we went to was Round Square.  
  
Squall: Round.... Square? Doesn't that kind of contradict itself?  
  
Selphie: It was just a ride that gave you a tour of the park. It would have been nice except that the ride ended up having technical difficulties and we ended up being stuck on it for three hours.  
  
Irvine: Yeah for some reason the people that ran it couldn't get it too stop so we just kept going round and round. Ugh, it was so annoying.  
  
Zell: *suddenly jumps onto his chair and bursts into song* ~YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABY RIGHT ROUND, LIKE A RECORD PLAYER, RIGHT ROUND ROUND ROUND~!!*  
  
*Mind you it's in an extremely high piched, squeaky voice*  
  
Quistis: Ugh, enough Zell. You're as bad as Squall.  
  
Squall: Heyyyy, what's that supposed to mean?  
  
Irvine: It means you sing badly.  
  
Squall: How can that be true? Squall Leonhart.... bad at something. It's almost too much for the mind to bear. Say it ain't so.  
  
Rinoa: *puts her hand on his shoulder* Well, to tell you the truth dear, you really aren't much of a singer. I know. I've heard you in the shower.  
  
Zell: I've even heard you through the wall since my room is next to your room. Just be glad no one else can hear you.  
  
Squall: Y-yeah I guess so. That would be so embarassing.  
  
Quistis: Yeah, how completely humiliating.  
  
*And who's ears should perk up at those words*  
  
Seifer: (Embarassing. Humiliating. This is just too good to pass up. Oh ho ho, whatch out Squall. Your time is now. I better go put my plan into motion while those losers are still here.) *He gets up and starts to walk away*  
  
Waiter: Hey mister. you forgot to pay.  
  
Seifer: Oh right. *Digs into his coat pocket and flips the guy a coin*. There you go sonny. Keep the change. *He then continues to walk off*  
  
Waiter: *Grumble, grumble* Ooh, a whole 10 Gil. I could just about retire with this. I knew I should have trained to become a SeeD. *Grumble. grumble*  
  
*Now in Squall and Rinoa's Room*  
  
Seifer: (That should do it. Oh how cleverly I have hidden this microphone. No one will suspect a thing. I am the true mastermind of plots.) HAAAA HA HA *Snort*  
  
*A/N: Well I bet you're all wondering why Seifer is talking like a retard and the truth is that, while Seifer was setting up the microphone, he accidentlly shocked himself*  
  
Seifer: (Now to put one last finishing touch on my masterpiece and.... BZZZTT... Squall, your end is near. Soon you will be laughed out of Balamb Garden, I will be awarded Rank A and the number One Gunblade user, and Rinoa will consent to divorce you and become my bride). MWAHAHAHAHAH.... BZZZTT.... HAAAA HA HA *Snort*... BZZZTT... MWAHAHAHAHA.... BZZTTT.... HAAAA HA HA *Snort*..... BZZZTT.... Ugh, I've got to get away from this damn faulty wiring. *He leaves and heads off to his room to wait for the rest of the 'show' to take place**  
  
*Once again back at the buddy table*  
  
Selphie: And so he says, but Sir, that IS a Gold Chocobo. Ha ha ha ha.  
  
Irvine: Oh selphie, that was just too damn funny.  
  
Rinoa: Tee hee, I agree. Don't you, Squall?  
  
Squall: Ummm, yeah. *Is completely clueless*  
  
Rinoa: That's ok. Well, we'll see you guys later. Squall and I are going to go back to are room for a, um, nap. Yeah, that's it, a nap.  
  
Squall: A nap. Rinoa, it's only 10:00 in the morning. It's way to earl.... *Mphmph*  
  
*At that moment Rinoa decided to place her hand over her slightly dense husbands mouth*  
  
Rinoa: Uh, well, see you all later. *Proceeds to drag a dumbfounded Squall away*  
  
Zell: Boy, she's really got him on a leash. He's lost all pride. You'll never see me act like that around a girl. No sir, not me. I am my own free man and make my own choi...   
  
*At that moment Zell spotted to Library girl, Cathy, and went over to talk to her*  
  
Irvine: Hmmm. *Glances at Selphie* It seems that every one is leaving so I suggest that we do the same.  
  
Selphie: OK! Just remember to bring lots of sugar. Tee hee.  
  
Quistis: Ugh, too much info. I guess I'll go fight something in the Training Center.  
  
*So now every one has gone off to do his or her thing. Now back in Squall and Rinoa's Room*  
  
Rinoa: Boy Squall you really know how to ride the way.  
  
Squall: *Sigh* Well that's what happens when you get a water bed.  
  
*A/N: What did you think she was talking about. Perverts! :)*  
  
Rinoa: Hmm, well when ever I'm on a boat I get sleepy and this felt just like it so I'm going to sleep. Good-night. *SNORE*  
  
Squall: Wow, she really was tired. I guess I'll go take a shower.  
  
*Seifer is now in his room with the recorder ready*  
  
Seifer: (Now I have the recorder ready. I just need to wait for Squall to make his big debut).  
  
*Seifer didn't have to wait too long though*  
  
*Dun dun dunnnnn. Meanwhile, in the bathroom.... or in the shower to be precise*  
  
Squall: ~WHE-NEVER SANG MY SONGS, ON THE STA-GE, ON M-Y OWN, WHENEVER SAID MY WORDS, WISH-ING THEY WOULD BE HEARD. I SA-W YOU SMILING AT ME, WAS IT RE-AL OR JUST A FAN-TASY? YOU'D AL-WAYS BE IN THE COR-NER OF THIS TI-N-Y LIT-TLE BAR~  
  
Seifer: * His face has the look of someone who just drank sour milk* (Holy crap they weren't not kidding when they said he sang badly. It feels like my ears are going to take flight at any moment. But I don't care. I'll endure this long enough that I can make Squall suffer and feel the burn of humiliation. Just you wait Squall). MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*Of course Squall's singing was just too loud for the laugh to be heard. Also, Rinoa must be pretty wiped out because even Squall's singing couldn't wake her up. Too bad cause she might have been able to stop Squall before it was too late. Oh well. It just wouldn't be as much fun though, now would it? :)*  
  
Squall: ~MY LA-ST NIGHT HE-RE FOR YOU, SAME OLD SONGS, JUST ONCE MO-RE. MY LAST NIGHT HERE WI-TH YOU? MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO. I KIND OF LIKE-D IT YOUR WAY, HOW YOU SH-YLY PLACED YOUR EYES ON ME. DID YOU EV-ER KNOW, THAT I HAD MI-NE ON YOU?~  
  
*And so Squall carries on with the song until he finishes it and his shower. Seifer also managed to complete his task and was waiting for the right moment to strike*  
  
Seifer: (I have now completed my task and will wait for the right moment to strike). MWAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*Of course the right moment would have to wait because at the present point and time Rinoa had completed her nap and was ready too practice using Squall as a surf board* (A/N: Remember folks, they have a water bed. :)*  
  
*And off into the night Seifer worked out the details of his plan and ke knew that by this time tomorrow Squall would be in sad shape. Of course, not as sad as the shape his ears were in. They still felt like someone had cast a Float spell on them andthey just drifted away. Never mind that though as it is now the next day. Dun dun dunnn*  
  
*The gang is seated in their usual spots in the cafeteria and are having breakfast*  
  
Selphie: You're so weird Zell. Why can't you eat something else besides hot dogs?  
  
Zell: I don't know what you're talking about, Selphie. Hot dogs happen to have all the same vitamins and minerals as the four basic food groups put together.  
  
Rinoa: Ha. That's only cause they stick the stuff in a blender and after smashing it all together they stick it in a mould.  
  
Squall: Ugh, come on Rinoa. I know you're used to speaking your mind but can you please spare me just this once. I'm still feelign a little queasy.  
  
Irvine: That's what you get for buying a water bed.  
  
Selphie: Well that's better than what we have. At least they don't have to sleep in a car stolen from Galbadia.  
  
Rinoa: Tee hee. I guess you really did like that yellow one.  
  
Quistis: Just hope the headmaster doesn't hear about this.  
  
Selphie: Not to worry. Even if he did Commander Squall would vouch for us.  
  
Irvine: That's true. The Commander is quite a guy.  
  
Rinoa: *Gushing* Oh honey I'm so proud of you. *Throws her arms around him*  
  
Squall: *Major blush* Yeah well, you know... heh heh.  
  
Zell: Booya! Three cheers for Squall!  
  
Rinoa, Selphie, Irvine, Quistis, and Zell: SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! YEAH!  
  
Squall: That's enough guys. I'm glad you all like me but I think you're annoying the other patrons.  
  
*And indeed they were for it looked like the whole cafeteria was going to momentarily forget the "No Weapons in the Building" rule. Indeed this old man looked ready to throw an "Ultima" spell on the next person who so much as blinked funny. Of course Zell's mom was ready with her "Frypan of Hellfire" in case anyone got too out of control. But, eventualy, the atmoshpere returned to normal and people went back to eating, talking, and their "Triple Triad" games. It even looked some of the people had caught onto the new "Tetra Master" craze. Anways Seifer decided that now would be the time to make his move. Mind you he's still hiding in his room.*  
  
Seifer: (Now is the time to make my move. Prepare for your worst nightmare Squall. HYAAAAAA).  
  
*And with that it had begun..... through the P.A. System*  
  
~WHE-NEVER SAN-G MY SO-NGS, ON THE STAGE, ON MY O-WN, WHE-NEV-ER SA-ID MY WOR-DS, WIS-HING THE-Y WOULD BE HE-ARD~.......  
  
*Meanwhile, in the Cafeteria, chaos insues*  
  
Random Guy: Agh, my ears! What's this horrible racket!  
  
Random Girl: It feels like my make-up is about to run off!  
  
Little Girl: Are we under attack by PuiPui (2), PuPu's brother!? Mommy, I'm scared!  
  
*Of course the B-Fighters(3) were trying their best to calm everyone down*  
  
Selphie: Please everyone, just calm down. Everything is going to be O.K.  
  
*Of course it didn't help much that Selphie sounded like she's talking to a five year old*  
  
Zell: Ah, Commander, what should we do?  
  
*The Commander, at this time, happened to be quietly backing away towards the door.* (And we know why that is, don't we? :) )  
  
Rinoa: Hey, you know what Squall, that kind of sounds like your voice.  
  
Squall: Uhhh, uh-oh *Gulp* (Busted!!!)  
  
*Everything is so quiet you could hear a Cactuar needle drop. Then, all of a sudden.....*  
  
Random Girl: Say it ain't so Commander.  
  
Cafeteria Lady: How could you do this to us Commander?  
  
Random Guy: This is just to much to bear, Commander.  
  
Really Pissed Off Old Guy: That does it sonny boy! ULTIMA!!  
  
Squall: No, wait, AGGGHHHHH!  
  
*Meanwhile, back with Seifer who's watching the situation in the Cafeteria on a T.V . that he set up*  
  
Seifer: (Oh, this is great. Poor Squall. Getting blasted with and Ultima spell. That must really suck. Ha. Let's see him shrug this off. Get ready to be the best Rank A loser Squall cause you're going to be there for a looooong time). MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
*However, no one could hear Seifer's laugh since everyone's ears were still ringing from the combination of Squall's bad singing and the old guy's Ultima spell*  
  
*Now things have calmed down a bit and Squall's song has finally stopped. Squall, Rinoa, Selphie, Irvine, Zell, and Quistis are all in Headmaster Cid's office. Cid looked like he accidentally sat down on a Blobra*  
  
Cid: I'll have you all know that, after sitting down on a Blobra, I am not in the best of moods.  
  
Irvine: A Blobra, huh? I thought that it was time for you to get some Depen...  
  
Selphie: Irvine, shh!  
  
Cid: That Ultima spell caused quite a bit of damage to the Cafeteria and, since you seem to be the one responsable, it's coming out of your salary. The estimated cost is going to be at least 120,000 Gil as well as another 35,000 Gil to the old guy that Zell plastered with his "Burning Rave" attack.  
  
Zell: Yeah, well, the old fart shouldn't have made me drop my hot dogs.  
  
Squall: *Sigh* I understand, Sir.  
  
Cid: I'm also going to have to drop your SeeD Rank, this time to Level 25.  
  
Squall: Yes, Sir.  
  
Cid: I hope there will be no more incidents like this in the future. I would hate to have to release you as Commander.  
  
Squall: Of course, Sir. May I be excused now?  
  
Cid: Yes. You may all go now.  
  
*Everyone leaves Cid's office and heads into the elevator*  
  
Zell: Man, are you going to be O.K. Squall?  
  
Quistis: You seem awfully down.  
  
Squall: I'll be O.K., I just need to go lay down.  
  
*The elevator reaches the bottom and they all get out*  
  
Selphie: Well, we'll see you all later. Come on Irvine.  
  
Irvine: But what about Squall?  
  
Selphie: Oh he'll be fine. If he can defeat Ultimecia than he can handle anything.  
  
Irvine: Well, if you say so. *Gets dragged off by Selphie*  
  
Zell: She's right. Catch you later Squall. *Dashes off*  
  
Quistis: Right. I believe I have some papers to grade. Bye. *Also leaves Squall*  
  
*Now it's just Rinoa and Squall*  
  
Squall: *Looks a little hopeful* Do you want to keep me company, Rinoa?  
  
Rinoa: Sorry snickerdoodle but there's something I need to take care of first. *Runs off leaving a depressed Squall*  
  
Squall: Oh great. Looks like it's just me. I guess I'll go take a nap.  
  
*And so went Squall. Amongst the taunts of "Commander Squawk", and "How about a couple of Echo Screens, they're said to cure the throat", poor Squall shuffled to his room. Little did he know how true his friends really were. Oh, and if you're wondering where Seifer is, he decided to go to Delling City and treat himself to a manicure*  
  
*Three hours later, we now return to Squall's room where a knock can be heard*  
  
*Knock-Knock*  
  
Squall: *Half asleep* Mumblegrumble. Dammit, I already told you I didn't want to subscribe to "Timber Maniacs".  
  
Rinoa: *Through the door* Squall, open up. It's me.  
  
Squall: *Kind of rolls out of bed* Ok, ok, frumblegum... *Opens to door only to find.....*  
  
Selphie: Hi Squall, feeling better?  
  
Zell: Yeah you look kind of out of it.  
  
Squall: *Sarcastic* Oh gee, thanks.  
  
Quistis: Never mind that, we have surprises for you.  
  
Squall: *Really sarcastic* Oh, great. Surprises. Fine, you can all come in.  
  
*Now eveyone one is seated inside*  
  
Irvine: So, buddy, how's that water bed treating you?  
  
Squall: I still feel kind of queasy at times.  
  
Irvine: Then this shlould make you feel better. *Whips out a brand new air matress. Yeah*  
  
Squall: *Is totally shocked* Wha- what's this? Why?  
  
Irvine: Selphie and I got it at the store for you.   
  
Selphie: We thought that it might make you feel better after what happened earlier.  
  
Irvine: Mind you now, the air mattress is a tad small so you'll have to decide between you and Rinoa who gets to be on to...Ow. *Is suddenly whacked by Selphie's elbow*  
  
Selphie: Quiet you. Your turn Zell.  
  
Zell: Well, I wasn't too sure what to get you so here. *Hands him a plate with 50 hot dogs*  
  
Squall: Uh, wow. A plate with 50 hot dogs. Thanks (I think).  
  
Quistis: I don't have a actual gift to give you but I did talk to Cid. He said that if for the next week or so you help the other instructors with their classes, then he'll raise you back to Rank A status.  
  
Squall: Alright. Thanks Quistis. *Even jumps up in the air at this*  
  
Rinoa: Ok, my turn now. I baked this for you, Squall. *Holds up a scrumptious looking cake. It even had a Gunblade painted in orang icing on it*  
  
Squall: *Eyes get all big and shiny* Oh, oh, oh. I am the happiest man alive right now. Rinoa, how did you know that "Phoenix Funnel Cake" was my favorite?  
  
Rinoa: Tee hee, cause you told me, silly.  
  
Squall: *Cough* Oh, that's right. Anways, let's pass around the hot dogs and cut the cake.  
  
Zell: Uhhhh, hot dogs? *burp*  
  
Squall: *Sigh* Never mind, just cut the cake.  
  
*And so the friends partied on, unknown that they were being watched* (A/N: Yes Seifer really is a wiz at electrical equipment. He even has a line set up so he can moniter other areas and rooms besides the Cafeteria).  
  
Seifer: (I come back from my manicure and I find this going on. How dare Rinoa bake Squall a cake. She should be doing that for me. *Sniffle*. Oh well I still dropped a cart load of Chocobo dung on that loser and he dropped all the way to Level 25. Plus he has to help all the boring instructors with their boring lectures. Plus all the shame as he walks through halls. Now he'll know the humiliation of what I went through). WMAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
Zell: There's that creepy ass laugh again.  
  
Selphie: It sounds like someones hurt. Maybe we should go help them?  
  
Everyone: ........Nahhhh. *They all go back to eating the cake*  
  
Seifer: (How rude. *Sniff*).  
  
*After partying at Squall's for a while the rest of the gang decided to leave. Well, except for Rinoa. She and Squall were in battle for the to...., er, never mind*  
  
*One week later*  
  
Rinoa: I can't believe that people are still going on about Squall's singing.  
  
Selphie: Yeah, you'd think that they'd have moved on by now.  
  
Squall: It's ok. I am still Commander and I need to learn to deal with things. I'm just glad that old guy didn't decide to sue me.  
  
Zell: Don't look now but here comes another old fart.  
  
*So of course everyone looks*  
  
Irvine: Well, well. It's Seifer. I wonder what he wants?  
  
Rinoa: Probably just want to cause trouble.  
  
Seifer: Well, well. If it isn't the "Golden Voiced Chocobo".  
  
Rinoa: See, I told you.  
  
Squall: What do you want Seifer?  
  
Seifer: Not a thing. I just came over to pay my respects. Later "Music Man" *Walks away laughing his ass off*  
  
Selphie: *Sticks her tongue out at him* Blah, meanie.  
  
Irvine: Yeah. Now why did that laugh sound familiar?.... Oh well. Must be my imagination.  
  
*And, like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.... unless of course you happen to cast a "Haste" spell in which we speed things up a bit. Squall has been doing as Cid instructed and is working his way back to Rank A, Selphie and irvine are still sleeping in the stolen car, and Zell is still devouring hot dogs at the speed of light. As for Seifer, he's just having the time of his life since he's the ring leader of the whole "Let's tease Squall just for the hell of it" gang. Meanwhile, on a hidden island, Chocoboy has set up a new sound system and all the Chocobo's are listening to the newest hit song, which happens to sound strangely like Squall. Hmmmm*  
  
*It seems like Seifer has won, or has he? Yep. For all you folks who thought that this was the last chapter, guess again. I've got one more coming up with a surprise ending so stay tuned, all you loyal fans* (The sounds of crickets can be heard chirping).  
A/N: Ok, I'm sure you seen the little numbers next to a couple of the sentences and here's what they're all about:  
  
(1) In most of the Final Fantasy games there has been an item known as a "Ribbon" that nullifies most status effects, however, that was not so in Final Fantasy VIII. I'm sure all of you have seen it and pondered on it's where abouts. Now, I'm not too sure on this, but here's my guess. I happen to have a Gameshark for my Playstation and decided to do a little test one day. I found a code online that was for the fabled "Ribbon" item and, sure enough, it worked. To me this means that at one point (meaning the Japanese version of Final Fantasy VIII, gamers were able to get the above item. But, for whatever reason, the item was removed from the North American version. Yet is was still accessible with the help of a Gameshark. I found this rather interesting.   
  
(2) No PuPu doesn't have a brother. This term (Pui Pui) is from the awesome game "Seiken Densetsu 3" game, which is also by the legendary gaming company Squaresoft. "Seiken Denstestu 3" is the sequel to the acclaimed "Secret of Mana" game, but was unfortunately never released here. In the game, "Pui Pui Grass" was the exact same thing (even looked the same) as a "Healing Herb".  
  
(3) I happened to be watching "Dragonball Z" this afternoon and I remembered how they are often called the "Z-Fighters", so I decided to name Squall and his friends the "B-Fighters", meaning Balamb. Yeah, I know it's corny but it fits.  
  
*So what did you all think of the latest chapter? Oh, and about Squall's torture? I'm sure a lot of you have been waiting for this but, as I said before, it's not quite over yet*  
  
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!  
  
*Ahem...anyways.....*  
  
Short? Yes! Stupid? Yes! Review? Yes! 


	10. And Then Again

Title: Static Cling and Other Things  
Started: 11/29/02  
Disclaimer: I own nothing in the story  
(Epilogue) Chapter 10: And Then Again....  
  
It been a couple of weeks since Squall's debut and people were still talking about it. Squall was working at raising his Rank back up to A and Seifer felt like he'd had about 10 Float spells cast on him. However, Seifer's luck was about to run out. Poor Seifer, if only the fool knew what was ahead of him....  
  
*In the Cafeteria, at Squall and the gang's usual table*  
  
Selphie: So Squall, how are things going with the rest of the instructors?  
  
Squall: Well, Quistis is alright since I've known her for so long, but some of the other ones can be a real pain in the ass.  
  
Irvine: Why is that?  
  
Squall: Well, there's this one old lady who I swear has been here since the day of Sorceress Adel's reign. She looks like an Abadon and her breath smells like a Malboro's.  
  
Zell: Oh that is so raunchy.  
  
Rinoa: Eeeew.  
  
Squall: Yeah, exactly. And if that wasn't bad enough she's always calling me skipper and acting like I'm one of her students.  
  
Rinoa: Oh no, poor snickerdoodle.  
  
Squall: Yeah. I don't know which is worse though. The old lady that smells bad, or the crazy ass guy.  
  
Zell: Crazy guy?  
  
Squall: He keeps going on about some stupid rocket and whips out a lance whenever anyone pisses him off. Plus his language is enough to make a sailor blush.  
  
Selphie: Kind of reminds me of Seifer.  
  
Irvine: Yeah, it does.  
  
Rinoa: Where is that loser anyways.  
  
Squall: Oh, he said something about needed some extra rest. I have no idea what he's talking about since he hasn't been doing anything for quite a while.  
  
Zell: Blah, he's not important anyways.  
  
*Now we visit Seifer's room*  
  
Seifer: (I feel like I've died and gone to "The Island Closest to Heaven". Squall's still feeling the wraith of my plan, plus he's still not a Rank A SeeD. This is so freaking awesome. I could gloat about this forever.... unfortunately I have to go to that stupid meeting with Cid and the rest of the losers. Oh well, it's not for a couple more hours so I'll take a little nap. Now where is that "Sleep" spell). MWHAHAHAHAHASNORKSNAXZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.  
  
*Outside Seifer's door*  
  
Random Guy: Man that guy really has some major snoring problems.  
  
Random Girl: No kidding. No wonder he's always in a bad mood, he must have some major nasal problems.  
  
Random Guy: More like a constant case of hemorrhoids.  
  
Random Girl: *Snicker* Yeah, that's it.   
  
*Back in the Cafeteria with Squall and the others*  
  
Quistis: Isn't the meeting starting soon, Squall?  
  
Squall: Yeah, we should all start heading over there.  
  
Rinoa: Even me?  
  
Squall: *Smiles* Yep, even you?  
  
Selphie: I wonder if Seifer will show up?  
  
Squall: *Sigh* I guess I should go check on the loser to make sure that he knows that it's time. I'll meet you guys there.  
  
Irvine: Sure thing Squall.  
  
Zell: Yeah and just let me know if that loser gives you any trouble. I'll smack him up side the head with a *Meteor Strike*.  
  
Squall: *Snicker* Now that I'd like to see. However, you should be careful, Zell. I think that old guys still mad at you.  
  
Zell: Yeah, yeah.  
  
*Squall starts heading towards Seifer's room while the rest of the group heads up to Cid's office for the meeting*  
  
Squall: (I wonder what the creeps been up to lately. We haven't seen too much of him but there's been this weird laugh echoing through the halls. Oh well. That isn't my main concern. Right now, I'd rather think of a way to get Rinoa back into that Angel Leotard costume. Ah, it looks like I'm here. Geez, what the hell is that horrible racket. It sounds like a stampede of Wendigos is running around. I'd better find out). *He knocks on Seifer's door*  
  
*KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK*  
  
Squall: HEY SEIFER! ARE YOU STILL ALIVE IN THERE OR DID THE WENDIGOS RUN YOU OVER?  
  
*No answer*  
  
Squall: Guess I'll have to go inside. *Checks the door and finds it unlocked so he goes inside*  
  
*Inside we find Seifer passed out in bed snoring louder than "Doomtrain" going along its tracks*  
  
Squall: Holy shit! Did that guy cast three "Sleep" spells on himself or what?  
  
(A/N: And indeed he did for Seifer had forgotten that he had previously cast "Triple" magic on himself. Ooops.)  
  
Seifer: SNZZAZRXZZZZZZZZAROCTXZZAAXXXXZZZZZ.  
  
Squall: Oh man. No wonder I thought there were a bunch of Wendigos running around. What am I going to do?  
  
*And what indeed for as hard as Squall tried he could not awaken the sleeping Snorlax, er, I mean Seifer*  
  
Squall: Great. Even the force of "Bahamut's" "Mega Flare" couldn't wake him up. Crap and if I don't hurry I'm going to be late for the meeting and I definately don't need my SeeD Rank dropped any lower. Forget this loser, I'll just tell Cid that Seifer wouldn't wake up. Later loser. *And Squall hurries out the door to get to the meeting*  
  
*Ten minutes later*  
  
Seifer: (What the hell, I could have sworn that I heard Squall screaming at me. I wonder why, since he never comes to my room unless it's to tell me about a meeting or something..... Oh crap. I have to hurry and get over there and make sure that Squall doesn't rat me out to Cid. Oh, wait. Better check the mirror first). *Goes into the bathroom and quickly inspects the back of his coat to make sure there aren't any stray objects*  
  
*Seeing nothing unusual Seifer darts out the door, barely managing to remember to close it. Alas, if that was the only thing Seifer forgot*  
  
Seifer: (What the hell is with people today. I know I must look like shit but is "Bed Head" really that humorous. Heck, even that annoying jogger kid keeps running around the circle and laughing at me. Heh, at least I already have his "Mog" card. Still, people are acting awfully weird. I bet it's because I'm late for the meeting. I better step on it and cast a "Haste" spell).  
  
*Now we go to Cid's office*  
  
Squall: ...So I tried my best to wake him but it wouldn't work, Sir.  
  
Cid: It's alright. I know you tried your best to....  
  
*And at that moment the door to Cid's office blew off with the force of "Pandemona's" "Tornado Zone"  
  
Seifer: *Huff* Sorry Sir I *Puff* didn't mean to *Weez* oversleep.  
  
Cid: That's fine. I'm glad you made it to the.... Ugh, Seifer.  
  
Seifer: What is it? What's wrong?  
  
Irvine: Whoah, did you run over here while you were still asleep?  
  
Seifer: Huh!?  
  
Rinoa: Tee hee. Your such a loser Seifer. And you're always wondering why I quit going with you and instead married Squall. No you can see why. Ha ha ha.  
  
Seifer: *Scoff* I have no idea what the hell you're talking about, or what any of you are talking about.  
  
Zell: Way to go dude. I didn't think you had a single brave bone in your body.  
  
Seifer: Shut up, Chicken Wuss!  
  
Zell: Bite Me!  
  
Quistis: Geez Seifer. I thought I told you to only wear those when we're alone.  
  
Seifer: Wear? Wear what?  
  
Selphie: Those boxers are so cute. I should get a pair for Irvine.  
  
Seifer: Bo- bo- boxers. Wha- what the? *And now Seifer finally decideds to look down and notice the splendid white boxers adorned with green, blue, and yellow Chocobos that, since he was in such a hurry, forgot to cover up with something called "pants"*  
  
Cid: Ahhh, so your the loony that I heard was running around with no pants. Shame on you Seifer. You're setting a bad example for the Garden. Although, I must admit that this is rather amusing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. In fact, I'm in such a good mood that, Squall, I'm raising your SeeD Rank back up to Level A. Congratulations. Oh, and I talked to Edea and she agreed to let you and Rinoa spend a week at our condo in "Costa Del Sol". Have fun kiddies.  
  
Squall: Alright! Thank you, Sir!  
  
Rinoa: Oh that is so nice of you Mr.Kramer. Tell Edea I said thank you as well.  
  
Cid: Ok then, since I forgot what the meeting was supposed to be about you can all go. Bye now.  
  
Zell: Sweet! Catch you later. *Bolts out the door*  
  
Quistis: It's back to grading papers. Oh, and you want to Seifer, you can drop by my room later. Just be sure to wear those cute boxers. *Goes back to her classroom on the second floor*  
  
Selphie: Come one Irvine. I want to go find you a pair like that.  
  
Irvine: Yes dear. *Leaves with Selphie to go shopping*  
  
Rinoa: Oh, I'm so excited, Squall. Let's go start packing for our trip.*Dashes out the door*  
  
Squall: Anything you say sweety. *Starts to leave but stops for a moment by Seifer*  
  
*Seifer is still dumbfounded by the whole thing and doesn't say anything*  
  
Squall: Hey Seifer. Thanks to you I'm back to Rank A and now get to have some fun in the sun with my darling wife. Oh, and what makes it even better is that Rinoa just got this pink bikini that looks just like "Shiva's", and I owe it all to you. Thanks buddy. *Runs to the elevator to meet up with Rinoa* (A/N: Think Final Fantasy VII)  
  
*Seifer... is still speechless*  
  
Cid: Oh, Seifer, you're still here. Well, I'm off to meet Edea, so be sure to lock up when you leave. Oh, and you might want to put some pants on. It can get kind of chilly in here. Toodles. *Leaves the room and now Seifer is all alone*  
  
Seifer: (I- I just don't believe any of this. Why, dammit, why? After all the hard work and long boring hours I put into this it still turned out Ok for that loser and his friends. Not only is he back to being a Rank A SeeD and gets to spend a week at "Costa Del Sol", but now he'll get to see Rinoa in a bikini. This is just so not fair. WAHHHAHAH HHHHAHHHHAHHHAHHAHHHHAHHHHHHAHHHHHHAHHHHHHAHHHHHAHHHHAHHHAHHHAHHHAHHHAHHHAHHAHHAHHHHHHH!!  
  
*And so that's how it was. People swore to have heard loud sobbing coming from Cid's office, but they all just assumed that is was Cid watching one of his Soap Operas. Squall and Rinoa had a great time at "Costa Del Sol", while Irvine and Selphie are still living in their stolen car. Zell is still scarfing all the hot dogs he can, and Quistis is still Quistis. She still has her occasional evenings with "Boxer Boy", but Seifer now seems even reluctant for Quistis to see him in his boxers. I guess all of this will teach Seifer that what goes around comes around, as well that he should quit tryind so hard to get back at Squall cause he just ends up making an ass out of himself instead. Meanwhile, on the same hidden forest as before, we see the usual keeper and friend of the Chocobo's, Chocoboy. But wait, what's this. Chocoboy is almost stark naked except for his new line of boxers, "Chocoboxers". Wow! They look so stylish and even have cute little green, blue, and yellow Chocobo's on them. Oooooh! And now my friends I bid you farwell to this sad and strange tale of lies, deceit, and complete stupidity. I hope you all enjoyed it. Toodles.  
A/N: It took me a lot longer than I thought to finish this. When I did the first chapter that's all I thought it would be, one chapter. I'm very greatful for the reviews I got. This may be the end of this story but I'll keep working on others when I get ideas. They'll probably all be for either Video Games or Anime but that's ok, right? Just keep watching to see what other strange stories I can spin out. Oh, also when you review, I'm curious to see just how many Final Fantasy/ Video Game/ Anime references you can spot. I did my best to put a lot in. Once again, thanks to all of you who kept up with the story and I hope to hear from you again. And now, I present the traditional slogan:  
Short? Yes! Stupid? Yes! Review? Yes! The End? Sadly Yes! 


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